June 2nd was my birthday and the days leading up to it where scary and hectic and anxiety ridden due to overthought and undermining. Who was undermining me, you ask??
Me. Of course.
In April it began. In the middle of First Watch I had an anxiety attack. Now I should state, I have bouts with anxiety but it had been like close to two years since I had a full blown anxiety attack – complete with shortness of breath, heart palpitations, that weird feeling of drowning and dread, and lightheadedness.
I honestly thought it was due to a new med I was taking. NOPE. I stopped the med because I figured it to be the culprit. The weeks following it happened again and again and again… and silly me was like – it’s the caffeine! The coffee is making me feel like this.. so I cut down my coffee. Then it happened a few more times after. Fine, no soda. But was that enough to appease my body? Nooooooooooo. The weeks leading up to my bornday, I had at least three attacks and that’s when I began to fear the worst.
I thought… these are heart attacks – I’m going to die and there won’t be a birthday. I’m going to die a young 40 something *cough cough cough* woman and my kids will be left to fend for themselves in this cruel unforgiving world. I AM GOING TO DIE.
And that’s the thought I focused on. I focused on it so much that the attacks felt like something heart related. I was losing my shit in the car on the way home from the grocery store and that’s when I put two and two together.
I fear death… like not necessarily growing old but the product of growing old. And then… you guessed it – anxiety attack – in the car on the road going home. As I was praying to be able to live to see my birthday – it struck! Thank GOD my mother was with me. She drove us home and right as we pulled up to the house another wave rolled over and through me. A strong one too… so strong that I almost passed out.
So I was like – nah man…. this is heart related. I called my favorite nurse, then put in a call to my doctor. They said the same – it was anxiety but I do have an appointment to meet with my doctor soon. We’re going to rule out everything else.
On my birthday, an attack happened…anxiety related but I had to breathe through it. I focused my thoughts on the things I love the most, I thought of peaceful things, things that make me happy, and the things that matter most to me and I wouldn’t let my mind drift any further than that. I stretched- then got on with the celebration. Quick meditation session and it actually helped a whole hell of a lot more than me giving in to the freak out.
It’s been warm here and our sun room is half finished so I’ve been taking to sitting out there, taking in the smell of rough wood, to thaw from the arctic temperatures of the house. I joked that I am very much a tropical person. I love summer and will deal with the season accordingly – fruity alcoholic beverage, an umbrella, and sunglasses. It’s practice for when I do visit a Bahama resort or one of the Saint somethings out there beyond the sea. Not quite ready yet but – the day is coming.
So aging… amirite??? I know people don’t really like to think about things beyond them..as in the world without them. It’s some scary shit for some of us. But I have decided as of June 2nd, not to fear the life I’m living but to love it in whole. And since embracing that – there have been no anxiety attacks on this… now… day three of living without fear. Anytime fear arises in my heart of hearts, I meditate or pray and the act of taking myself out of the current state of distress and placing myself into a more peaceful one helps me more than I can say here.
It’s like .. well I don’t know if it’s slight of hand for me – making myself see, feel, do while my body is trying to do something else. Focus here instead of there… type of thing. And the body believes the lie that everything is going to be okay and all I have to do, is ensure that it will be.
Here is the land of adulthood where things have a likelihood of sucking far more than not… we’ve discovered being unashamed of ourselves. I mean, if freaking out in a popular and crowded restaurant isn’t enough to cure you of embarrassment – nothing will. Lol
And I’m not alone – I’ve been talking with a few friends about it and they have had similar experiences. There are those that believe this to be a sign of weakness and rather than say how wrong they are – I just – I really don’t know if they’ve ever experienced this. Some believe a thing to be non-existent if they themselves have not experienced said thing.
I don’t wish it on them. I’d love for them never to have experienced it. May their lives continue without the complications of overthinking and the resulting anxiety that can sometimes accompany it. I’d rather their lives be easy and stay that course. Truly, I wish that for them.
Here at middle agedness, I’ve remarked every year since 30 (that’s when I noticed it) around my birthday that my body does some new weird shit. It hasn’t failed. I’m saving up for an adamantium skeleton and regenerative organs, just so this aging shit can go a little smoothly. Lol, I will gladly become Lady Deathstrike. Hmmm….Maybe not…does having such power make one…unstable? I know for a fact I would not wield that power responsibly. Truth.
This is life. I can only live it the only way I can – with lots of Grace and Mercy because left to me ..lol ahhhh I hate to admit it – but I am a caboose on the Hot Mess Express. I’m getting better. Forcibly so. I’m not out of order mind you – just, I breakdown from time to time. Management has been notified and they are working diligently on fixing the problem (me).
This is just one of my dumb struggles that became a serious concern for me lately. I’ve managed to unlock a new world, with a new skin, and a new character with – new chapter. Sadly, there are no new weapons or artillery… just self-deprecation, horrible jokes, and the things that rest to the right of me… a glass of water and my chair massager???
I’m DOOMED. Maybe I can strap the bad guy to my gaming chair, recite horribly bad jokes and insult myself at the same time… that’s sure to make them ill enough to want to drink water, right? My brain suggests something else but we won’t discuss that, but it does involve the forcible use of…. comedy.
Anyway – Summer is here. Enjoy every bit of sunshine you can…and please…please…please…
Be good humas…. humus???? HUmans!