Sex After 30?? 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ Pt. 2

We left off with things you could do to make your sex life better – basically me fussing AND teaching in my very own special way things that might work for you. Jokes aside – there is a serious side to all of this and we are about to get into that.

Sometimes we forget to have fun and are often just going through the motions of sex because we think it’s what we are supposed to do where intimacy is concerned. Ask yourself why you engage in sexual activity. Peer pressure? Need to get one off to be “good” for the day? Is that a nut out of habit or addiction? Cause imma tell ya, if you answer yes to any of these… you might need to reassess some shit. Seriously, give this some thought – a healthy mindset about sex is where it all begins.

Do you really enjoy the time you spend with your partner and look forward to that type of intimacy? We’re gonna talk about it.

Sexual responsibility, health, and good habits are all things you should practice. It’s time you start enjoying this part of your life like the adult you are. USE CONDOMS! Cannot stress this enough. Do you know the sexual history of your partner and their status (sexual health)? Do you know yours? Please do what you need to do to not only ensure your partner is safe but that you are safe as well.

What Awaits You in the Future?

-Experience/Knowledge with your own body and that of your lovers awaits you in the future. You’ll have a roadmap to their pleasures and most delectable desires in the palm of your hands if you just listen to them and pay attention when you are intimate. Doing everything you want to do, how you want to do it, is a very selfish move. *ahem* I suggest thinking of someone other than yourself.

-Confidence comes with positive feedback from the things you do and the acts you perform. Don’t ask if you’re doing it right… they will let you know and even help you tweak your moves to their liking. If you are in doubt about what to do – a little conversation during the foreplay stage can be very beneficial. So take the initiative to get to know them better. You won’t be sor- Wayment… did I hear you ask what foreplay is?!? Oh… okay. I thought I was going to need to break down a simple task. I do?!

*hangs head low and sighs*

As set for by Planned Parenthood – Foreplay usually comes before intercourse. Foreplay can include a lot of different things, like kissing, sharing fantasies, or touching one another’s genitals. The purpose of foreplay is to add to sexual excitement, and, especially for women, to help prepare the body for intercourse by increasing vaginal lubrication.

To me it is the time before sexual intercourse you use to arouse your willing partner into sex. Foreplay happens when both parties participate not just one of you, it must be a consensual act LIKE SEX between both parties. You doing things to around them when they aren’t feeling it will get you in a world of hurt and that’s not what we want now is it?? NO!

Pay attention – foreplay can range from pillow talk (speaking sweet nothings in your love’s ear about the sexy things you want to do WITH them), to giving each other massages (temples, back, neck, foot or torso) to lessen the tension from a hard day, to bathing with each other (sharing a bath or shower), to even a hot make sessions with heavy petting. These things can also just be things you do with each other that don’t lead to sex. Intimacy is a powerful thing and doesn’t need to always end in sex. (We’ll talk about this in a bit)

-Fun with your partner and coming up with ways to turn each other on when you want to be in each other’s pants is what also awaits you in the future. I know plenty of people who have made sex a serious activity that literally sucks the life out of their partners to the point of not wanting to do it or dread the deed. And it should never be a chore. Especially for you married peeps. Sex should be every bit an escape as reading can be for some people. It’s where you get to explore and be adventurous, be creative and imaginative, and be free from judgement. Honey – for all the strangers that walk around judging you just off what they see… know that there is one that would love all that you are and more!

-SEX, SEX and MORE SEX, period. You get better at it and more experienced. Women won’t necessarily be slinging their panties in your direction because how the hell would they know what you’re packing up there (in your mind) and down below (in your pants)? BUT confidence just gives a person a certain air about them. You see it, feel it, and sense it. It’s an energy that infects others…like anything positive it has its advantages. Be careful because the flips side of that is you become a creeper and the negative energy you give off can drive others away and make them steer clear of you completely. So… just be cool.

The last part of this post will be personal.

What I’ve experienced in my 40s during the sexual regression LOL

Nothing, absolutely nothing! I kid. I’m not having sex right now hence the regression and it’s been a minute since the last date occurred.  But let’s have a candid talk about what I’ve learned in my 40 odd years of my on and off sex life.


The sounds of lovemaking

Nothing and I do mean nothing could have prepared me for this when I was younger. I’ve always been a big girl with big thighs and a big ass – but with those things come the noises.  Particularly, skin to skin sounds. And those sounds vary between the slapping from vigorous sex (doggy-style and being spanked) and trapped air releasing itself between bodies. It’s a funny sound and it always makes me laugh when it occurs. But I like the sound. I don’t know why – I just feel like sex isn’t good unless those sounds are present. Now that I think about it, it may have to do with a song by Digital Underground called Freaks of the Industry…. It’s not for kids LOL

The scents of lovemaking

Along with the sounds, there’s the scent of sex. I don’t know… I like the scent of the skin after sex but what floats around the room after a hot and heavy session is a different story. LOL, it’s weird but I would rather snuggle right in the neck of the guy while he smells like “after sex” than smell a room full of our love making. Now, the smell itself isn’t terrible. My favorite thing to do is shower before sex and love making so it’s never pungent but it’s distinctive. A pesky smell that like I said can give you away if you didn’t want anyone else to know what you were doing. People who have had roommates and college students and anyone who has had sex knows what I’m saying – it doesn’t go away right away. It seems to battle Lysol mid air with it’s sharp odor. And anyone who’s wise knows exactly what the hell it is.

We’re adults right? Why do always feel the need to explain ourselves?? Lol


(If you know what movie this gif is from and what Bodussy is – we can be friends LOL)


Sleep claims them a lot quicker after sex unless you are a juggernaut like me and actually find yourself energized after taking the life essence of another. Lol Reminds me of a part in the movie Barbarella, where they are laying around smoking the essence of man lazily getting high. Except I get empowered to do shit like clean and cook. Smh… lol Why can’t I be normal and fall into the sex induced coma that so many enjoy?!


I realize that this varies from person to person and that it’s not always a sexual thing – but I seem to either make personal attachments or not at all. I think largely it’s more about the person but it tends to speak up after sex when they go home. It’s like separation anxiety or something and I get a little sad. Only two former lovers understood this about me when I spoke of it and they did things to make me feel better. Texting regularly, flowers, spending time with each other a little longer than normal. They understood and not everyone does. I’m not a clingy person by any means but… I do enjoy companionship.


Not all intimate moments end in sex and I had to understand that. There were lovers that didn’t want sex after making out and it perplexed me until those people told me that they just wanted to enjoy my company. Silly me took it in a weird way because I was used to putting out after making out and sometimes to avoid conflict with the guy I was dating. That’s a story and a former struggle for a different day but yeah… it’s not all pretty. And I know I’m not the only woman who has ever done that and I hate that for us.

Patience and Acceptance

I think one of the hardest things for me to do was be naked around a new lover. Even after accepting my own body in its current state I still had to contend with another’s view of my body. Having patience with myself and with others to see ME was possibly the hardest thing to do. As much as we are all sexual beings, we are also more than that. Some people don’t get that as much and waiting around for them to recognize me was killing me so I had to move on. I’m in no way a sexual object of any kind but I have been objectified by some of the guys I dated – even by the man I married and 10 years later divorced.

Trust Issues

I wasn’t free of them. It was much like having to be comfortable enough to want to be naked with a new lover, trusting them to treat you right was also an issue. So many times I would opt for just a sexual relationship to avoid the intimacy. But it was something I desperately wanted. I wanted to be deliberate and intentional with my lovers but I also had to allow them to see my inner most self in my barest form at my most vulnerable moments. Trusting another to my heart was and still is hard. Former relationships are to blame for that and it is something I am working on resolving within myself. I am the only one that can do the work and with that – I think I am coming along nicely.


Now, I bet you thought this was going to be a post full of rants and rage didn’t you? Ha! I told you, this is my opportunity to teach. And teach is what I did. I hope you read it all the way through and learned something. Never assume that you know it all, hell I don’t know it all. I just know what experience has taught me – and that’s quite a bit.

I still have a lot of learning to do and I look forward to the lesson and the experience I’ll gain. I know we took a few turns here and there…but this was all good. I most definitely wasn’t going to make this a negative post but I wanted to share something that I found funny and interesting and then see how we could solve an issue that some are experiencing.

I had fun and I hope you did too.

I hope you enjoyed this two part blog post. If you missed the first part you can find it here… Sex After 30 Pt 1

the struggle is real.

Be good humans! ❤

Sex after 30?? 🤦‍♀️ PT. 1

You know… here in my 40 something *cough cough* breathless wheezing* cough cough* clears throat and hits inhaler* year…(I’m okay just back up and give me room to breathe)..I realize that I…. am not the spring chicken I used to be. I’m more like that old hen that pecks at the younger birds and runs them away when they get too close to her space in the yard. Yeah – get tf off my lawn! I’d laugh but I’d just go into another coughing fit and I’m trying to remain conscious for the time being. 

Anyway – look, I’ve been hearing a lot of talk about sex after 30 by late 20 somethings and early 30 year olds… This is crap. For one because they have barely broken the gauge of 30 and two – because they are still on some very young minded shit. I listened to said young person(s) talk about leg cramps during sex and rolled my eyes so hard they nearly fell out my skull. You haven’t lived long enough to experience the leg cramp that shoots up your leg and literally vice grips your butt cheek into submission. You’ve not lived until you have depleted all of your body’s natural resources from a FEW bouts of vigorous sex and had to explain why your body just isn’t cooperating with the orgasm you NEED to have for total relief. Men shooting dust instead of little troopers and women barely releasing the flood of all that is good and sweet and are down to a piddly trickle.

You don’t know pain until there’s just enough friction between the two of you to strike a match because the well has dried up. Did you hit a nerve with all of this? Absolutely. So now I get to fuss and teach as is my want… but not without a little ranting.

Man… First of all…. I don’t want to offend you but… you are as much a baby as I am to 80 year olds! Right here and right now we’re going to stop acting like we are those babies and be the grown folk we need to be. So stop it, just stop it! Leg cramps??? Really? That’s what’s fucking up your sex life??? LEG CRAMPS?! Fuck outta here….


Let me tell you something, no no… sit down, shut up, and listen… because you are fullllllllllllll of shit and you need to hear what awaits you in the near future, assuming the sun doesn’t kill us all first… you aren’t about to just sit there and complain about some shit you can fix yourselves. So sit there and listen.

As your elder… I feel the need to tell you that you haven’t been paying attention to the signs, the lover you have, your body, or the things around you. Sex is simple, paying attention even simpler. 

We’re going to get you right today!



Everything around you is telling you how to do it and what to do. It’s in the music, the TV shows and movies you watch, the books you read, and even the air you breathe. To say that humans and animals are sexual beings is an understatement. Birds do it, bees do it – even plants and trees…well, you get it – we are all sexual beings. Music, the right music, can give you pointers in the right direction. 

But fuck music right now. Your partner is the best teacher for what you want accomplish. Endgame here is to give your partner an orgasm strong enough that each of their variants throughout the multiverse feels it and comes at that same exact moment! Has this ever happened to anyone in the history of man? Yes, once when I was 23. Every bit of me felt it (all of us everywhere at the same damn time reacted in the same way). When I came to, I high fived the guy, made him eggs, and read him a story I wrote to put him to sleep for the afternoon. Oh, it was the best noon day delight EVER! Yes – sex before dark is awesome… we’ll come back to this.

I’m all over the place… Let’s tackle this issue by issue. I’m only doing this because I recognize and feel the need to teach …otherwise, I’d leave you to find out the hard way, which is quite brutal. So we’ll avoid the awkward Instagram posts and weird Tik-Toks detailing the pain you feel in your love life. It doesn’t have to be that way. Seriously! Just pay attention…

Here’s why your sex life sucks. LOL

-You Don’t Stretch

Okay okay, I’ll admit, leg cramps CAN happen during a bout of Kama Sutra or bedroom gym-nastycs because like with any exercise regimen on any given day, we choose to skip the stretching before we begin. And I’m serious. Those of you who wanna flip them upside down and reverse cowgirl, with a spin and rolling tumble then you’re gonna need to stretch. It’s that simple. Work your arms and legs, work your glutes and hams, and try core strengthening. I’m out of shape but I swear by all of these things because I did them when I was younger. The bedroom Olympics stayed a fun and fulfilling activity every time it happened. Now, I’ll admit it – the first time I did this before sex (it wasn’t love making but a more animalistic activity) it made my partner laugh and he decided to stretch as well. “Oh, you’re about to put in some work?” is what made me smile. Because I did. I will still stretch because I like being flexible.

A few things that might help with cramping along with stretching…

Avocados – are rich with electrolytes can help prevent muscle cramps

Bananas – are full of potassium which helps to ease leg cramps

Water – being dehydrated is a good and quick way to experience muscle cramps so drink plenty of water, as a matter of fact, keep some on the bed side table – this is a good practice!

You want to more?? Google is your friend, a simple search will do you good.


-You Don’t Listen

Make time to take time. Listen to your partner when they tell you what it is they like and dislike. It’s not all about you and as much as we think we know everything about everyone – we don’t. More often than not, we are assuming we know because all body parts are the same, right? You’re wrong. These things vary from person to person. Men can be human cannons, dribblers, or fountains. Women can be squirt guns, gushers, or the delectable cream that tops your banana or taco, whatever your preference may be. Get it together! We are not all the same.

Doing things you used to do with former lovers with new lovers and then saying… well such and such liked it when I did that… Is not only an asshole move but is also a sure fire way to get you kicked out of the bedroom and possibly sent packing. We don’t care what Susie liked! We aren’t Susie! Tailor your skills to your current partner. I promise you, it’s the best thing ever. Susie liked it because it was for her and she might have been less experienced than say Jenny who has been around the block a time or two. Also, listen to your body! Which brings us to our next issue…

-Know Your Limits

How do I say this… umm… you are not a superhuman capable of superhuman strength and stamina. Sure, some of you might be faster than a speeding locomotive – you little jack rabbit you, slow down. It’s not a race unless of course… your partner likes the jackhammer method. Then go for it, I guess. Lol

Being human is your reality. Shit will hurt when you’re done doing the deed. Your body will speak to you in plain English and you will interpret it as a completely different dialect altogether…why? Because you refuse to listen. Remember what I said – sex is simple.

When your body is screaming for rest, take a break. Of course we all want to live up to the hype of hours and hours of pleasure non-stop. We all do! But no one and I mean NO ONE makes love all night in one session. Sure there are multiple sessions but a single session lasting for hours is either a sign of priapism or distractions (meaning …you aren’t in the moment or focused on your partner). Don’t get me wrong, I know things like Viagra and Cialis exist but they won’t turn you into a love machine able to keep pumping and dumping until you’re kicking out dust. The human body varies from person to person yes, but being a HUMAN means we have limitations. Know the extent of your body’s limits and work with or around them. A healthy libido and foreplay can prolong the time your spend pleasuring your partner. If you are able to stay focused on the task at hand and remain realistic with what your body is capable of and can handle – then sex will be all the more enjoyable.

Now… to those of you operating in your weaknesses rather than your strengths I give a strong eye roll. What the fuck are you doing? Like… I get that you’re trying to spice things up with different positions and shit… fun is fun but not at the expense of bodily injury. Guys, I’m looking at you… If you can’t lift a wet a paper bag – please do not attempt to lift your partner or flip them upside down or any other thing that might cause injury. Neck braces are not sexy and hospitals definitely aren’t it. Know your weaknesses. This is where you learn a popular I.T. skill called a “work around”… not reach around that’s different, Google if you need to.

A sexual work around is modifying a position to an existing style of love-making. You can’t lift your partner? Well then, laydown and do the same thing… you scared of suffocating beneath your voluminous voluptuous vixen, ask to be on top or lay on your side… use the floor, the wall, a chair, or the stairs …hell even a balcony… just don’t cause them injury.

Speaking of limitations, we all have them along with breaking points… nothing will kill a boner or dry up a flowing river faster than an insecure partner asking a bunch of questions during and after the act. Leave the questionnaire and quiz for date night not the play room. Checking on how you’re doing every 10 minutes will get you put out instead of getting them to put out. Confidence is key! Nothing is sexier than a partner that knows what they’re doing and how to do it. Cockiness is sexy when you can back it up and have proper proof, documentation, and verification of the goods. The goods being bedroom skills. Hey, sometimes … references are required. Lol

-Learn Something

Sure you’ve been around the block a few times but you haven’t learned anything. You still doing those same old stale ass moves?? Pay attention! Sex is all around you. It’s on TV, there’s an entire industry dedicated to it along with workers to that industry. It’s in books, music, and even nature. We have the technology for you to learn… it’s called the INTERNET… surf responsibly. There is no way you can blame your inability to please on not knowing when all have to do is pay attention to all that is around you.

I made mention to porn up there ^^^. Let’s discuss this. Porn will either make or break your sex life. Too much might distort the reality of your relationship and not only how you view your partner but the sexes as a whole. No one wants to be reduced to being a plaything. We should not be viewed in the same likeness as that stiff sock hidden between your mattresses or your exhausted overworked under-appreciated battery operated boyfriend hiding in your nightstand drawer. We are whole people with complex lives. More than our bodies and what they can be used for. Be respectful to your partner and to yourself.

Now, on the flip side of that same coin, porn can be a very useful learning tool. I mentioned how too much porn could be a bad thing. Well, too little might leave you looking like a novice. Use this tool to learn what to do, how to do it, and tailor it to your own needs. By all means, research the things you like and want to do. Most do! But all things in moderation.

Please be careful! Porn is addictive, like sex can be. Viewing the wrong things can turn you off of sex altogether or reshape your sex life in a very unhealthy way. I’m not making this shit up either. People have seen their relationships destroyed due to porn and poor attitudes towards the opposite sex. And I say this of both sexes. Women and men have some pretty messed up ideologies about each other. Again…respect each other as well as yourselves.

-Apply What You Learned

Apply everything you learned to your sex life – but not all at once, that would be really weird. Leave them wanting to come back for more. Remain unpredictable and use your imagination in your playtime with your partner. If they want a night of Tarzan and Jane in the wilds of their wooded backyard or my personal favorite… naughty school girl and horny teacher – do it! Indulge them. Be open to every possibility. As long as you what?? Do No Harm!

I mentioned sex before dark a little bit earlier. By all means try this, with willing participants. I shouldn’t have had to state that but I’m covering my ass as well as all the bases. Okay?? Alright. No foul play and no forced interactions. Got it? Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…

Sex in the morning or early part of the day could be the fire you need to reignite your love life – it doesn’t have to always be a nocturnal activity. Picture it! It’s early afternoon and the sun is spilling in through the window in long shafts across your partner’s naked body. And you’re able to see every hill and valley with perfect clarity, every curvature and peak with stunning accuracy. The light just seems to set their body all aglow and it has you licking your lips and ready to dive into all that deliciousness. So what are you having? A brief quickie before you have to return to work or head to campus for your classes to finish what you began later? Or a nice long slow burn of hot pure unadulterated blush inducing coitus, leaving your neighbors across the way spying through your window with dry mouths and wet sticky pants?

The choice is yours. Make it a good one. And be sure to tell me about it later. Kiss and tell!

-Enjoy Yourself

Switch it up! If you are the dominant partner most times or take the lead, let your partner do so and you sit back and not only watch them work, but learn what they like. This is where you’re learning begins. Allow them to teach you in this way and take mental note of what they are saying (if they are talkers or moaners) and what they are doing (because actions speak louder than words).

A change of scenery can make all the difference as well. Who doesn’t like the excitement of christening a new place or being adventurous in public spaces (legally of course, don’t get caught for indecent exposure). PDA?? You into that? Let it feed your appetite for your partner. You not into it – then talk to them sweetly. Send flirtatious text messages and emails. Drop a voice mail and let them know that you are thinking about them. I promise you this will get the juices flowing. I’m telling you – it doesn’t take much. Lol

Shop till you drop! Go shopping for the frilly things you like to peel off your partner. Buy them some matching undies or negligees if that’s your thing. OR harnesses, chains and whips, or the Terminator XXX3000 that is sure to punish as well as pleasure (I completely made up that name for the vibrator I found on Amazon… like OMG… it vibrates, pulses, and pistons…where the hell has this been all my life!) – do whatever your freaky little heart’s desire. Do it with them. The point is, this is a couple’s activity, and one you should definitely give a try.

This post was split up into two parts for your reading pleasure and the second part is a little deeper. Remember, school is in session and here’s your chance for an intermission. Lol

the struggle is real.

To Be Continued…


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