We left off with things you could do to make your sex life better – basically me fussing AND teaching in my very own special way things that might work for you. Jokes aside – there is a serious side to all of this and we are about to get into that.
Sometimes we forget to have fun and are often just going through the motions of sex because we think it’s what we are supposed to do where intimacy is concerned. Ask yourself why you engage in sexual activity. Peer pressure? Need to get one off to be “good” for the day? Is that a nut out of habit or addiction? Cause imma tell ya, if you answer yes to any of these… you might need to reassess some shit. Seriously, give this some thought – a healthy mindset about sex is where it all begins.
Do you really enjoy the time you spend with your partner and look forward to that type of intimacy? We’re gonna talk about it.
Sexual responsibility, health, and good habits are all things you should practice. It’s time you start enjoying this part of your life like the adult you are. USE CONDOMS! Cannot stress this enough. Do you know the sexual history of your partner and their status (sexual health)? Do you know yours? Please do what you need to do to not only ensure your partner is safe but that you are safe as well.
What Awaits You in the Future?
-Experience/Knowledge with your own body and that of your lovers awaits you in the future. You’ll have a roadmap to their pleasures and most delectable desires in the palm of your hands if you just listen to them and pay attention when you are intimate. Doing everything you want to do, how you want to do it, is a very selfish move. *ahem* I suggest thinking of someone other than yourself.
-Confidence comes with positive feedback from the things you do and the acts you perform. Don’t ask if you’re doing it right… they will let you know and even help you tweak your moves to their liking. If you are in doubt about what to do – a little conversation during the foreplay stage can be very beneficial. So take the initiative to get to know them better. You won’t be sor- Wayment… did I hear you ask what foreplay is?!? Oh… okay. I thought I was going to need to break down a simple task. I do?!
*hangs head low and sighs*
As set for by Planned Parenthood – Foreplay usually comes before intercourse. Foreplay can include a lot of different things, like kissing, sharing fantasies, or touching one another’s genitals. The purpose of foreplay is to add to sexual excitement, and, especially for women, to help prepare the body for intercourse by increasing vaginal lubrication.
To me it is the time before sexual intercourse you use to arouse your willing partner into sex. Foreplay happens when both parties participate not just one of you, it must be a consensual act LIKE SEX between both parties. You doing things to around them when they aren’t feeling it will get you in a world of hurt and that’s not what we want now is it?? NO!
Pay attention – foreplay can range from pillow talk (speaking sweet nothings in your love’s ear about the sexy things you want to do WITH them), to giving each other massages (temples, back, neck, foot or torso) to lessen the tension from a hard day, to bathing with each other (sharing a bath or shower), to even a hot make sessions with heavy petting. These things can also just be things you do with each other that don’t lead to sex. Intimacy is a powerful thing and doesn’t need to always end in sex. (We’ll talk about this in a bit)
-Fun with your partner and coming up with ways to turn each other on when you want to be in each other’s pants is what also awaits you in the future. I know plenty of people who have made sex a serious activity that literally sucks the life out of their partners to the point of not wanting to do it or dread the deed. And it should never be a chore. Especially for you married peeps. Sex should be every bit an escape as reading can be for some people. It’s where you get to explore and be adventurous, be creative and imaginative, and be free from judgement. Honey – for all the strangers that walk around judging you just off what they see… know that there is one that would love all that you are and more!
-SEX, SEX and MORE SEX, period. You get better at it and more experienced. Women won’t necessarily be slinging their panties in your direction because how the hell would they know what you’re packing up there (in your mind) and down below (in your pants)? BUT confidence just gives a person a certain air about them. You see it, feel it, and sense it. It’s an energy that infects others…like anything positive it has its advantages. Be careful because the flips side of that is you become a creeper and the negative energy you give off can drive others away and make them steer clear of you completely. So… just be cool.
The last part of this post will be personal.
What I’ve experienced in my 40s during the sexual regression LOL
Nothing, absolutely nothing! I kid. I’m not having sex right now hence the regression and it’s been a minute since the last date occurred. But let’s have a candid talk about what I’ve learned in my 40 odd years of my on and off sex life.
The sounds of lovemaking
Nothing and I do mean nothing could have prepared me for this when I was younger. I’ve always been a big girl with big thighs and a big ass – but with those things come the noises. Particularly, skin to skin sounds. And those sounds vary between the slapping from vigorous sex (doggy-style and being spanked) and trapped air releasing itself between bodies. It’s a funny sound and it always makes me laugh when it occurs. But I like the sound. I don’t know why – I just feel like sex isn’t good unless those sounds are present. Now that I think about it, it may have to do with a song by Digital Underground called Freaks of the Industry…. It’s not for kids LOL
The scents of lovemaking
Along with the sounds, there’s the scent of sex. I don’t know… I like the scent of the skin after sex but what floats around the room after a hot and heavy session is a different story. LOL, it’s weird but I would rather snuggle right in the neck of the guy while he smells like “after sex” than smell a room full of our love making. Now, the smell itself isn’t terrible. My favorite thing to do is shower before sex and love making so it’s never pungent but it’s distinctive. A pesky smell that like I said can give you away if you didn’t want anyone else to know what you were doing. People who have had roommates and college students and anyone who has had sex knows what I’m saying – it doesn’t go away right away. It seems to battle Lysol mid air with it’s sharp odor. And anyone who’s wise knows exactly what the hell it is.
We’re adults right? Why do always feel the need to explain ourselves?? Lol
(If you know what movie this gif is from and what Bodussy is – we can be friends LOL)
Sleep claims them a lot quicker after sex unless you are a juggernaut like me and actually find yourself energized after taking the life essence of another. Lol Reminds me of a part in the movie Barbarella, where they are laying around smoking the essence of man lazily getting high. Except I get empowered to do shit like clean and cook. Smh… lol Why can’t I be normal and fall into the sex induced coma that so many enjoy?!
I realize that this varies from person to person and that it’s not always a sexual thing – but I seem to either make personal attachments or not at all. I think largely it’s more about the person but it tends to speak up after sex when they go home. It’s like separation anxiety or something and I get a little sad. Only two former lovers understood this about me when I spoke of it and they did things to make me feel better. Texting regularly, flowers, spending time with each other a little longer than normal. They understood and not everyone does. I’m not a clingy person by any means but… I do enjoy companionship.
Not all intimate moments end in sex and I had to understand that. There were lovers that didn’t want sex after making out and it perplexed me until those people told me that they just wanted to enjoy my company. Silly me took it in a weird way because I was used to putting out after making out and sometimes to avoid conflict with the guy I was dating. That’s a story and a former struggle for a different day but yeah… it’s not all pretty. And I know I’m not the only woman who has ever done that and I hate that for us.
Patience and Acceptance
I think one of the hardest things for me to do was be naked around a new lover. Even after accepting my own body in its current state I still had to contend with another’s view of my body. Having patience with myself and with others to see ME was possibly the hardest thing to do. As much as we are all sexual beings, we are also more than that. Some people don’t get that as much and waiting around for them to recognize me was killing me so I had to move on. I’m in no way a sexual object of any kind but I have been objectified by some of the guys I dated – even by the man I married and 10 years later divorced.
I wasn’t free of them. It was much like having to be comfortable enough to want to be naked with a new lover, trusting them to treat you right was also an issue. So many times I would opt for just a sexual relationship to avoid the intimacy. But it was something I desperately wanted. I wanted to be deliberate and intentional with my lovers but I also had to allow them to see my inner most self in my barest form at my most vulnerable moments. Trusting another to my heart was and still is hard. Former relationships are to blame for that and it is something I am working on resolving within myself. I am the only one that can do the work and with that – I think I am coming along nicely.
Now, I bet you thought this was going to be a post full of rants and rage didn’t you? Ha! I told you, this is my opportunity to teach. And teach is what I did. I hope you read it all the way through and learned something. Never assume that you know it all, hell I don’t know it all. I just know what experience has taught me – and that’s quite a bit.
I still have a lot of learning to do and I look forward to the lesson and the experience I’ll gain. I know we took a few turns here and there…but this was all good. I most definitely wasn’t going to make this a negative post but I wanted to share something that I found funny and interesting and then see how we could solve an issue that some are experiencing.
I had fun and I hope you did too.
I hope you enjoyed this two part blog post. If you missed the first part you can find it here… Sex After 30 Pt 1
the struggle is real.
Be good humans! ❤