Sex After 30?? 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ Pt. 2

We left off with things you could do to make your sex life better – basically me fussing AND teaching in my very own special way things that might work for you. Jokes aside – there is a serious side to all of this and we are about to get into that.

Sometimes we forget to have fun and are often just going through the motions of sex because we think it’s what we are supposed to do where intimacy is concerned. Ask yourself why you engage in sexual activity. Peer pressure? Need to get one off to be “good” for the day? Is that a nut out of habit or addiction? Cause imma tell ya, if you answer yes to any of these… you might need to reassess some shit. Seriously, give this some thought – a healthy mindset about sex is where it all begins.

Do you really enjoy the time you spend with your partner and look forward to that type of intimacy? We’re gonna talk about it.

Sexual responsibility, health, and good habits are all things you should practice. It’s time you start enjoying this part of your life like the adult you are. USE CONDOMS! Cannot stress this enough. Do you know the sexual history of your partner and their status (sexual health)? Do you know yours? Please do what you need to do to not only ensure your partner is safe but that you are safe as well.

What Awaits You in the Future?

-Experience/Knowledge with your own body and that of your lovers awaits you in the future. You’ll have a roadmap to their pleasures and most delectable desires in the palm of your hands if you just listen to them and pay attention when you are intimate. Doing everything you want to do, how you want to do it, is a very selfish move. *ahem* I suggest thinking of someone other than yourself.

-Confidence comes with positive feedback from the things you do and the acts you perform. Don’t ask if you’re doing it right… they will let you know and even help you tweak your moves to their liking. If you are in doubt about what to do – a little conversation during the foreplay stage can be very beneficial. So take the initiative to get to know them better. You won’t be sor- Wayment… did I hear you ask what foreplay is?!? Oh… okay. I thought I was going to need to break down a simple task. I do?!

*hangs head low and sighs*

As set for by Planned Parenthood – Foreplay usually comes before intercourse. Foreplay can include a lot of different things, like kissing, sharing fantasies, or touching one another’s genitals. The purpose of foreplay is to add to sexual excitement, and, especially for women, to help prepare the body for intercourse by increasing vaginal lubrication.

To me it is the time before sexual intercourse you use to arouse your willing partner into sex. Foreplay happens when both parties participate not just one of you, it must be a consensual act LIKE SEX between both parties. You doing things to around them when they aren’t feeling it will get you in a world of hurt and that’s not what we want now is it?? NO!

Pay attention – foreplay can range from pillow talk (speaking sweet nothings in your love’s ear about the sexy things you want to do WITH them), to giving each other massages (temples, back, neck, foot or torso) to lessen the tension from a hard day, to bathing with each other (sharing a bath or shower), to even a hot make sessions with heavy petting. These things can also just be things you do with each other that don’t lead to sex. Intimacy is a powerful thing and doesn’t need to always end in sex. (We’ll talk about this in a bit)

-Fun with your partner and coming up with ways to turn each other on when you want to be in each other’s pants is what also awaits you in the future. I know plenty of people who have made sex a serious activity that literally sucks the life out of their partners to the point of not wanting to do it or dread the deed. And it should never be a chore. Especially for you married peeps. Sex should be every bit an escape as reading can be for some people. It’s where you get to explore and be adventurous, be creative and imaginative, and be free from judgement. Honey – for all the strangers that walk around judging you just off what they see… know that there is one that would love all that you are and more!

-SEX, SEX and MORE SEX, period. You get better at it and more experienced. Women won’t necessarily be slinging their panties in your direction because how the hell would they know what you’re packing up there (in your mind) and down below (in your pants)? BUT confidence just gives a person a certain air about them. You see it, feel it, and sense it. It’s an energy that infects others…like anything positive it has its advantages. Be careful because the flips side of that is you become a creeper and the negative energy you give off can drive others away and make them steer clear of you completely. So… just be cool.

The last part of this post will be personal.

What I’ve experienced in my 40s during the sexual regression LOL

Nothing, absolutely nothing! I kid. I’m not having sex right now hence the regression and it’s been a minute since the last date occurred.  But let’s have a candid talk about what I’ve learned in my 40 odd years of my on and off sex life.


The sounds of lovemaking

Nothing and I do mean nothing could have prepared me for this when I was younger. I’ve always been a big girl with big thighs and a big ass – but with those things come the noises.  Particularly, skin to skin sounds. And those sounds vary between the slapping from vigorous sex (doggy-style and being spanked) and trapped air releasing itself between bodies. It’s a funny sound and it always makes me laugh when it occurs. But I like the sound. I don’t know why – I just feel like sex isn’t good unless those sounds are present. Now that I think about it, it may have to do with a song by Digital Underground called Freaks of the Industry…. It’s not for kids LOL

The scents of lovemaking

Along with the sounds, there’s the scent of sex. I don’t know… I like the scent of the skin after sex but what floats around the room after a hot and heavy session is a different story. LOL, it’s weird but I would rather snuggle right in the neck of the guy while he smells like “after sex” than smell a room full of our love making. Now, the smell itself isn’t terrible. My favorite thing to do is shower before sex and love making so it’s never pungent but it’s distinctive. A pesky smell that like I said can give you away if you didn’t want anyone else to know what you were doing. People who have had roommates and college students and anyone who has had sex knows what I’m saying – it doesn’t go away right away. It seems to battle Lysol mid air with it’s sharp odor. And anyone who’s wise knows exactly what the hell it is.

We’re adults right? Why do always feel the need to explain ourselves?? Lol


(If you know what movie this gif is from and what Bodussy is – we can be friends LOL)


Sleep claims them a lot quicker after sex unless you are a juggernaut like me and actually find yourself energized after taking the life essence of another. Lol Reminds me of a part in the movie Barbarella, where they are laying around smoking the essence of man lazily getting high. Except I get empowered to do shit like clean and cook. Smh… lol Why can’t I be normal and fall into the sex induced coma that so many enjoy?!


I realize that this varies from person to person and that it’s not always a sexual thing – but I seem to either make personal attachments or not at all. I think largely it’s more about the person but it tends to speak up after sex when they go home. It’s like separation anxiety or something and I get a little sad. Only two former lovers understood this about me when I spoke of it and they did things to make me feel better. Texting regularly, flowers, spending time with each other a little longer than normal. They understood and not everyone does. I’m not a clingy person by any means but… I do enjoy companionship.


Not all intimate moments end in sex and I had to understand that. There were lovers that didn’t want sex after making out and it perplexed me until those people told me that they just wanted to enjoy my company. Silly me took it in a weird way because I was used to putting out after making out and sometimes to avoid conflict with the guy I was dating. That’s a story and a former struggle for a different day but yeah… it’s not all pretty. And I know I’m not the only woman who has ever done that and I hate that for us.

Patience and Acceptance

I think one of the hardest things for me to do was be naked around a new lover. Even after accepting my own body in its current state I still had to contend with another’s view of my body. Having patience with myself and with others to see ME was possibly the hardest thing to do. As much as we are all sexual beings, we are also more than that. Some people don’t get that as much and waiting around for them to recognize me was killing me so I had to move on. I’m in no way a sexual object of any kind but I have been objectified by some of the guys I dated – even by the man I married and 10 years later divorced.

Trust Issues

I wasn’t free of them. It was much like having to be comfortable enough to want to be naked with a new lover, trusting them to treat you right was also an issue. So many times I would opt for just a sexual relationship to avoid the intimacy. But it was something I desperately wanted. I wanted to be deliberate and intentional with my lovers but I also had to allow them to see my inner most self in my barest form at my most vulnerable moments. Trusting another to my heart was and still is hard. Former relationships are to blame for that and it is something I am working on resolving within myself. I am the only one that can do the work and with that – I think I am coming along nicely.


Now, I bet you thought this was going to be a post full of rants and rage didn’t you? Ha! I told you, this is my opportunity to teach. And teach is what I did. I hope you read it all the way through and learned something. Never assume that you know it all, hell I don’t know it all. I just know what experience has taught me – and that’s quite a bit.

I still have a lot of learning to do and I look forward to the lesson and the experience I’ll gain. I know we took a few turns here and there…but this was all good. I most definitely wasn’t going to make this a negative post but I wanted to share something that I found funny and interesting and then see how we could solve an issue that some are experiencing.

I had fun and I hope you did too.

I hope you enjoyed this two part blog post. If you missed the first part you can find it here… Sex After 30 Pt 1

the struggle is real.

Be good humans! ❤

Sex after 30?? 🤦‍♀️ PT. 1

You know… here in my 40 something *cough cough* breathless wheezing* cough cough* clears throat and hits inhaler* year…(I’m okay just back up and give me room to breathe)..I realize that I…. am not the spring chicken I used to be. I’m more like that old hen that pecks at the younger birds and runs them away when they get too close to her space in the yard. Yeah – get tf off my lawn! I’d laugh but I’d just go into another coughing fit and I’m trying to remain conscious for the time being. 

Anyway – look, I’ve been hearing a lot of talk about sex after 30 by late 20 somethings and early 30 year olds… This is crap. For one because they have barely broken the gauge of 30 and two – because they are still on some very young minded shit. I listened to said young person(s) talk about leg cramps during sex and rolled my eyes so hard they nearly fell out my skull. You haven’t lived long enough to experience the leg cramp that shoots up your leg and literally vice grips your butt cheek into submission. You’ve not lived until you have depleted all of your body’s natural resources from a FEW bouts of vigorous sex and had to explain why your body just isn’t cooperating with the orgasm you NEED to have for total relief. Men shooting dust instead of little troopers and women barely releasing the flood of all that is good and sweet and are down to a piddly trickle.

You don’t know pain until there’s just enough friction between the two of you to strike a match because the well has dried up. Did you hit a nerve with all of this? Absolutely. So now I get to fuss and teach as is my want… but not without a little ranting.

Man… First of all…. I don’t want to offend you but… you are as much a baby as I am to 80 year olds! Right here and right now we’re going to stop acting like we are those babies and be the grown folk we need to be. So stop it, just stop it! Leg cramps??? Really? That’s what’s fucking up your sex life??? LEG CRAMPS?! Fuck outta here….


Let me tell you something, no no… sit down, shut up, and listen… because you are fullllllllllllll of shit and you need to hear what awaits you in the near future, assuming the sun doesn’t kill us all first… you aren’t about to just sit there and complain about some shit you can fix yourselves. So sit there and listen.

As your elder… I feel the need to tell you that you haven’t been paying attention to the signs, the lover you have, your body, or the things around you. Sex is simple, paying attention even simpler. 

We’re going to get you right today!



Everything around you is telling you how to do it and what to do. It’s in the music, the TV shows and movies you watch, the books you read, and even the air you breathe. To say that humans and animals are sexual beings is an understatement. Birds do it, bees do it – even plants and trees…well, you get it – we are all sexual beings. Music, the right music, can give you pointers in the right direction. 

But fuck music right now. Your partner is the best teacher for what you want accomplish. Endgame here is to give your partner an orgasm strong enough that each of their variants throughout the multiverse feels it and comes at that same exact moment! Has this ever happened to anyone in the history of man? Yes, once when I was 23. Every bit of me felt it (all of us everywhere at the same damn time reacted in the same way). When I came to, I high fived the guy, made him eggs, and read him a story I wrote to put him to sleep for the afternoon. Oh, it was the best noon day delight EVER! Yes – sex before dark is awesome… we’ll come back to this.

I’m all over the place… Let’s tackle this issue by issue. I’m only doing this because I recognize and feel the need to teach …otherwise, I’d leave you to find out the hard way, which is quite brutal. So we’ll avoid the awkward Instagram posts and weird Tik-Toks detailing the pain you feel in your love life. It doesn’t have to be that way. Seriously! Just pay attention…

Here’s why your sex life sucks. LOL

-You Don’t Stretch

Okay okay, I’ll admit, leg cramps CAN happen during a bout of Kama Sutra or bedroom gym-nastycs because like with any exercise regimen on any given day, we choose to skip the stretching before we begin. And I’m serious. Those of you who wanna flip them upside down and reverse cowgirl, with a spin and rolling tumble then you’re gonna need to stretch. It’s that simple. Work your arms and legs, work your glutes and hams, and try core strengthening. I’m out of shape but I swear by all of these things because I did them when I was younger. The bedroom Olympics stayed a fun and fulfilling activity every time it happened. Now, I’ll admit it – the first time I did this before sex (it wasn’t love making but a more animalistic activity) it made my partner laugh and he decided to stretch as well. “Oh, you’re about to put in some work?” is what made me smile. Because I did. I will still stretch because I like being flexible.

A few things that might help with cramping along with stretching…

Avocados – are rich with electrolytes can help prevent muscle cramps

Bananas – are full of potassium which helps to ease leg cramps

Water – being dehydrated is a good and quick way to experience muscle cramps so drink plenty of water, as a matter of fact, keep some on the bed side table – this is a good practice!

You want to more?? Google is your friend, a simple search will do you good.


-You Don’t Listen

Make time to take time. Listen to your partner when they tell you what it is they like and dislike. It’s not all about you and as much as we think we know everything about everyone – we don’t. More often than not, we are assuming we know because all body parts are the same, right? You’re wrong. These things vary from person to person. Men can be human cannons, dribblers, or fountains. Women can be squirt guns, gushers, or the delectable cream that tops your banana or taco, whatever your preference may be. Get it together! We are not all the same.

Doing things you used to do with former lovers with new lovers and then saying… well such and such liked it when I did that… Is not only an asshole move but is also a sure fire way to get you kicked out of the bedroom and possibly sent packing. We don’t care what Susie liked! We aren’t Susie! Tailor your skills to your current partner. I promise you, it’s the best thing ever. Susie liked it because it was for her and she might have been less experienced than say Jenny who has been around the block a time or two. Also, listen to your body! Which brings us to our next issue…

-Know Your Limits

How do I say this… umm… you are not a superhuman capable of superhuman strength and stamina. Sure, some of you might be faster than a speeding locomotive – you little jack rabbit you, slow down. It’s not a race unless of course… your partner likes the jackhammer method. Then go for it, I guess. Lol

Being human is your reality. Shit will hurt when you’re done doing the deed. Your body will speak to you in plain English and you will interpret it as a completely different dialect altogether…why? Because you refuse to listen. Remember what I said – sex is simple.

When your body is screaming for rest, take a break. Of course we all want to live up to the hype of hours and hours of pleasure non-stop. We all do! But no one and I mean NO ONE makes love all night in one session. Sure there are multiple sessions but a single session lasting for hours is either a sign of priapism or distractions (meaning …you aren’t in the moment or focused on your partner). Don’t get me wrong, I know things like Viagra and Cialis exist but they won’t turn you into a love machine able to keep pumping and dumping until you’re kicking out dust. The human body varies from person to person yes, but being a HUMAN means we have limitations. Know the extent of your body’s limits and work with or around them. A healthy libido and foreplay can prolong the time your spend pleasuring your partner. If you are able to stay focused on the task at hand and remain realistic with what your body is capable of and can handle – then sex will be all the more enjoyable.

Now… to those of you operating in your weaknesses rather than your strengths I give a strong eye roll. What the fuck are you doing? Like… I get that you’re trying to spice things up with different positions and shit… fun is fun but not at the expense of bodily injury. Guys, I’m looking at you… If you can’t lift a wet a paper bag – please do not attempt to lift your partner or flip them upside down or any other thing that might cause injury. Neck braces are not sexy and hospitals definitely aren’t it. Know your weaknesses. This is where you learn a popular I.T. skill called a “work around”… not reach around that’s different, Google if you need to.

A sexual work around is modifying a position to an existing style of love-making. You can’t lift your partner? Well then, laydown and do the same thing… you scared of suffocating beneath your voluminous voluptuous vixen, ask to be on top or lay on your side… use the floor, the wall, a chair, or the stairs …hell even a balcony… just don’t cause them injury.

Speaking of limitations, we all have them along with breaking points… nothing will kill a boner or dry up a flowing river faster than an insecure partner asking a bunch of questions during and after the act. Leave the questionnaire and quiz for date night not the play room. Checking on how you’re doing every 10 minutes will get you put out instead of getting them to put out. Confidence is key! Nothing is sexier than a partner that knows what they’re doing and how to do it. Cockiness is sexy when you can back it up and have proper proof, documentation, and verification of the goods. The goods being bedroom skills. Hey, sometimes … references are required. Lol

-Learn Something

Sure you’ve been around the block a few times but you haven’t learned anything. You still doing those same old stale ass moves?? Pay attention! Sex is all around you. It’s on TV, there’s an entire industry dedicated to it along with workers to that industry. It’s in books, music, and even nature. We have the technology for you to learn… it’s called the INTERNET… surf responsibly. There is no way you can blame your inability to please on not knowing when all have to do is pay attention to all that is around you.

I made mention to porn up there ^^^. Let’s discuss this. Porn will either make or break your sex life. Too much might distort the reality of your relationship and not only how you view your partner but the sexes as a whole. No one wants to be reduced to being a plaything. We should not be viewed in the same likeness as that stiff sock hidden between your mattresses or your exhausted overworked under-appreciated battery operated boyfriend hiding in your nightstand drawer. We are whole people with complex lives. More than our bodies and what they can be used for. Be respectful to your partner and to yourself.

Now, on the flip side of that same coin, porn can be a very useful learning tool. I mentioned how too much porn could be a bad thing. Well, too little might leave you looking like a novice. Use this tool to learn what to do, how to do it, and tailor it to your own needs. By all means, research the things you like and want to do. Most do! But all things in moderation.

Please be careful! Porn is addictive, like sex can be. Viewing the wrong things can turn you off of sex altogether or reshape your sex life in a very unhealthy way. I’m not making this shit up either. People have seen their relationships destroyed due to porn and poor attitudes towards the opposite sex. And I say this of both sexes. Women and men have some pretty messed up ideologies about each other. Again…respect each other as well as yourselves.

-Apply What You Learned

Apply everything you learned to your sex life – but not all at once, that would be really weird. Leave them wanting to come back for more. Remain unpredictable and use your imagination in your playtime with your partner. If they want a night of Tarzan and Jane in the wilds of their wooded backyard or my personal favorite… naughty school girl and horny teacher – do it! Indulge them. Be open to every possibility. As long as you what?? Do No Harm!

I mentioned sex before dark a little bit earlier. By all means try this, with willing participants. I shouldn’t have had to state that but I’m covering my ass as well as all the bases. Okay?? Alright. No foul play and no forced interactions. Got it? Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…

Sex in the morning or early part of the day could be the fire you need to reignite your love life – it doesn’t have to always be a nocturnal activity. Picture it! It’s early afternoon and the sun is spilling in through the window in long shafts across your partner’s naked body. And you’re able to see every hill and valley with perfect clarity, every curvature and peak with stunning accuracy. The light just seems to set their body all aglow and it has you licking your lips and ready to dive into all that deliciousness. So what are you having? A brief quickie before you have to return to work or head to campus for your classes to finish what you began later? Or a nice long slow burn of hot pure unadulterated blush inducing coitus, leaving your neighbors across the way spying through your window with dry mouths and wet sticky pants?

The choice is yours. Make it a good one. And be sure to tell me about it later. Kiss and tell!

-Enjoy Yourself

Switch it up! If you are the dominant partner most times or take the lead, let your partner do so and you sit back and not only watch them work, but learn what they like. This is where you’re learning begins. Allow them to teach you in this way and take mental note of what they are saying (if they are talkers or moaners) and what they are doing (because actions speak louder than words).

A change of scenery can make all the difference as well. Who doesn’t like the excitement of christening a new place or being adventurous in public spaces (legally of course, don’t get caught for indecent exposure). PDA?? You into that? Let it feed your appetite for your partner. You not into it – then talk to them sweetly. Send flirtatious text messages and emails. Drop a voice mail and let them know that you are thinking about them. I promise you this will get the juices flowing. I’m telling you – it doesn’t take much. Lol

Shop till you drop! Go shopping for the frilly things you like to peel off your partner. Buy them some matching undies or negligees if that’s your thing. OR harnesses, chains and whips, or the Terminator XXX3000 that is sure to punish as well as pleasure (I completely made up that name for the vibrator I found on Amazon… like OMG… it vibrates, pulses, and pistons…where the hell has this been all my life!) – do whatever your freaky little heart’s desire. Do it with them. The point is, this is a couple’s activity, and one you should definitely give a try.

This post was split up into two parts for your reading pleasure and the second part is a little deeper. Remember, school is in session and here’s your chance for an intermission. Lol

the struggle is real.

To Be Continued…


Poem: It is what it is…

Lost with no direction to the space and time we’re in, a perfect escape from the overstimulated mind and skin.

Taken to new heights and left on the streets below, unable to come to grips with the way things are – so we go.

Down a dark path and left in the light of day, some of us work for nothing while others get everything for play.

Struggles with faith and believing by sight, because we all know what comes of knowing the darkness of night.

It hides there in truth and it’s there for the world to see, but we’re blind to facts and that truth so we just let it be.

Can’t trust what the eyes see,

Can’t trust what the heart feels,

Can’t trust what the mind believes,

So how do we know what’s real?

Brought low and name dropped by our own tongues,

Felt high and bets are placed but we’ve won none.

Spoken into existence by our own desires,

burned by our  passion through our own fire.

What it’s meant to be and know it never will,

so we take what we need and leave the rest to kill.

Burdens are a burden so we lift our skirts to fly,

lightening the load of life, we’re not fit to die.

Some Truth and a Birthday

June 2nd was my birthday and the days leading up to it where scary and hectic and anxiety ridden due to overthought and undermining. Who was undermining me, you ask??

Me. Of course.

In April it began. In the middle of First Watch I had an anxiety attack. Now I should state, I have bouts with anxiety but it had been like close to two years since I had a full blown anxiety attack – complete with shortness of breath, heart palpitations, that weird feeling of drowning and dread, and lightheadedness.

I honestly thought it was due to a new med I was taking. NOPE. I stopped the med because I figured it to be the culprit. The weeks following it happened again and again and again… and silly me was like – it’s the caffeine! The coffee is making me feel like this.. so I cut down my coffee. Then it happened a few more times after. Fine, no soda. But was that enough to appease my body? Nooooooooooo. The weeks leading up to my bornday, I had at least three attacks and that’s when I began to fear the worst.

I thought…  these are heart attacks – I’m going to die and there won’t be a birthday. I’m going to die a young 40 something *cough cough cough* woman and my kids will be left to fend for themselves in this cruel unforgiving world. I AM GOING TO DIE.


And that’s the thought I focused on. I focused on it so much that the attacks felt like something heart related. I was losing my shit in the car on the way home from the grocery store and that’s when I put two and two together.

I fear death… like not necessarily growing old but the product of growing old. And then…  you guessed it – anxiety attack – in the car on the road going home. As I was praying to be able to live to see my birthday – it struck! Thank GOD my mother was with me. She drove us home and right as we pulled up to the house another wave rolled over and through me. A strong one too… so strong that I almost passed out.

So I was like – nah man…. this is heart related. I called my favorite nurse, then put in a call to my doctor. They said the same – it was anxiety but I do have an appointment to meet with my doctor soon. We’re going to rule out everything else.

On my birthday, an attack happened…anxiety related but I had to breathe through it. I focused my thoughts on the things I love the most, I thought of peaceful things, things that make me happy, and the things that matter most to me and I wouldn’t let my mind drift any further than that. I stretched- then got on with the celebration. Quick meditation session and it actually helped a whole hell of a lot more than me giving in to the freak out.

It’s been warm here and our sun room is half finished so I’ve been taking to sitting out there, taking in the smell of rough wood, to thaw from the arctic temperatures of the house. I joked that I am very much a tropical person. I love summer and will deal with the season accordingly – fruity alcoholic beverage, an umbrella, and sunglasses. It’s practice for when I do visit a Bahama resort or one of the Saint somethings out there beyond the sea. Not quite ready yet but – the day is coming.

So aging… amirite??? I know people don’t really like to think about things beyond in the world without them. It’s some scary shit for some of us. But I have decided as of June 2nd, not to fear the life I’m living but to love it in whole. And since embracing that – there have been no anxiety attacks on this… now… day three of living without fear. Anytime fear arises in my heart of hearts, I meditate or pray and the act of taking myself out of the current state of distress and placing myself into a more peaceful one helps me more than I can say here.

It’s like .. well I don’t know if it’s slight of hand for me – making myself see, feel, do while my body is trying to do something else. Focus here instead of there… type of thing. And the body believes the lie that everything is going to be okay and all I have to do, is ensure that it will be.

Here is the land of adulthood where things have a likelihood of sucking far more than not… we’ve discovered being unashamed of ourselves. I mean, if freaking out in a popular and crowded restaurant isn’t enough to cure you of embarrassment – nothing will. Lol

And I’m not alone – I’ve been talking with a few friends about it and they have had similar experiences. There are those that believe this to be a sign of weakness and rather than say how wrong they are – I just – I really don’t know if they’ve ever experienced this. Some believe a thing to be non-existent if they themselves have not experienced said thing.

I don’t wish it on them. I’d love for them never to have experienced it. May their lives continue without the complications of overthinking and the resulting anxiety that can sometimes accompany it. I’d rather their lives be easy and stay that course. Truly, I wish that for them.

Here at middle agedness, I’ve remarked every year since 30 (that’s when I noticed it) around my birthday that my body does some new weird shit. It hasn’t failed. I’m saving up for an adamantium skeleton and regenerative organs, just so this aging shit can go a little smoothly. Lol, I will gladly become Lady Deathstrike. Hmmm….Maybe not…does having such power make one…unstable? I know for a fact I would not wield that power responsibly. Truth.

This is life. I can only live it the only way I can – with lots of Grace and Mercy because left to me ahhhh I hate to admit it – but I am a caboose on the Hot Mess Express. I’m getting better. Forcibly so. I’m not out of order mind you – just, I breakdown from time to time. Management has been notified and they are working diligently on fixing the problem (me).

This is just one of my dumb struggles that became a serious concern for me lately. I’ve managed to unlock a new world, with a new skin, and a new character with – new chapter. Sadly, there are no new weapons or artillery… just self-deprecation, horrible jokes, and the things that rest to the right of me… a glass of water and my chair massager???

I’m DOOMED.  Maybe I can strap the bad guy to my gaming chair, recite horribly bad jokes and insult myself at the same time… that’s sure to make them ill enough to want to drink water, right? My brain suggests something else but we won’t discuss that, but it does involve the forcible use of…. comedy.

Anyway – Summer is here. Enjoy every bit of sunshine you can…and please…please…please…

Be good humas…. humus???? HUmans!

Memory Lane or Bust…

On days like today, I have to sit still and remind myself that everything is fine, I’m fine, and that the world isn’t burning down around me. Anxiety is a devil I wish for no one to possess. It lies to you, tells you that you are in hell when, in fact, you’re sitting in your living room trying not to lose your shit because the wave of anxiety is especially hard. Nothing’s burning, nothing’s horrible but the worry man… of the things out of my control and the things I cannot change are a constant.

Today, I opted not to give in to the feeling of impending doom and decided to sit on the front porch for a little while and I think it was one of the most therapeutic things I’ve ever done. I watched a little hummingbird approach our picture window as if he were trying to take a peek inside… casing the joint?? Who knows but he/she is welcome to steal everything I own along with my heart. I watched kids play tag outside, kids ride bikes, and older people talk to each other on their porches, (Which I see more now since we seem to think as a collective that “Pandi” has calmed.) and I also heard the unmistakable sound of the clanging of metal and loud voices and I knew instantly what was going on.

The sound tossed me back into a time where everything was so much easier. Being a kid of about 10 years old and hanging out with my Uncle Sam for the last summer I’d spend with him. I remembered one particular moment that summer that I’m surprised remained with me. Schizophrenia has a way of messing up my memories to the point of thinking I lived through a thing that I never even experienced or it adds things that never happened. But this moment in particular I remembered with surprising accuracy and it was confirmed with my mother before I sat down to write this post.

I was ten years old that summer… it was the weekend of my 10th birthday (A true Gemini to my poor little crazy heart) and we were having a family gathering to celebrate my birthday and a family member’s new job. Our yard was filled with family and friends, neighbors and strangers (to me) that wanted to stop by and say hi to my grandmother. It was hot. Like summers haven’t been that hot since then. We were kids that drank from the garden hose with no qualms about it. It was how we kept cool and hydrated. I and several of the kids from the neighborhood were throwing water balloons at each other as another means of keeping cool. We seemed to dry off immediately that day. It was that hot.

My Uncle Sam, another uncle, and his friends were playing a game of Horseshoes. It was my uncle’s favorite game to play – that and a card game called Tonk. Don’t ask me how to play – I’ve only played once and was accused of cheating because I won a treasure load of quarters. My Uncle Gary is still sore about that to this day, Lol.  Anyway – after the water balloons we were having watermelon and these gigantic popsicles that my Aunt Carol bought over. During that time – the game of Horseshoes was under way.

My uncle was three sheets to the wind – that is to say, the man was drunk but able to remain upright and still able to toss insults at his friends.  We, my friends and I, were sitting in the grass placing bets about whose iron would go the furthest and who would actually hit the post. I always bet on my Uncle Sam. Always – even drunk that man could play with his eyes closed both hands behind his back on one leg and win. Am I bullshitting? Maybe about both hands tied behind his back but otherwise, yes the man was a marvel.

We’re watching and my uncle’s friend is so lit that when he went to throw the horseshoe with one hand and hold his Colt 45 with the other hand, he tipped over and fell… but not one damn drop of beer spilled. We laughed, it was quite a sight seeing a grown up eat dirt. The iron didn’t make it anywhere near the post. He stood up and dusted himself off and told us to hush up. I kept laughing. My uncle called me over and said, “Red, Come show him how it’s done.” That was his name for me… Red. I stood up and walked over to him. The neighbor’s kid “Dee” who was my nemesis stood up and pushed me out of the way to pick up the horseshoe. My uncle snatched it out of his hands and placed it in mine. Telling him that he didn’t ask him to do it. He stormed off mumbling girls are stupid but tried his damnedest later on to steal a kiss… not gonna lie, the boy was dumb and still is.

So I’m standing with this heavy ass horseshoe in my hands. These were real horseshoes. Not small either. He gives me the directive to throw it as far as I could and if I got it beyond where everyone else threw, I’d get 10 bucks out of it. I lit up and said okay. How hard could it be? Then he said, you can throw it any way you want, just get past the last horseshoe thrown. Piece. Of. Cake. His friends were betting him that I wouldn’t make it, that I was messing up the game and passing bad juju.. all types of shit. Did I care?  Nope.

I lifted it with both hands and turned to the side and lobbed it down the dirt path and it struck the iron… it didn’t hook it, but it hit it. The object is to hook the iron around the post. My uncle lifted me off the ground and kissed my cheek and he smelled like every ounce of alcohol he drank. Lol, he put me back on the ground and put 10 dollars in my hand. Penny candy money attained and I quickly ran off my with my 10 bucks before he could change his mind. No sooner had I left the presence of my uncle did the bully (neighbor’s kid) come chasing me down trying to steal my hard earned money away. I ran right to my grandmother and asked her to hold on to it for me and she did exactly that.

It was the sound of horseshoes being played that caused me to remember all of that, I’d know that sound anywhere. Tonight the neighbor’s are enjoying their weekend with a gathering, a barbecue, and a game from my childhood. Seeing and hearing all of that.. kids playing, music, clanging metal, and the smell of the barbecue makes me wish for simpler times. What do you do when nostalgia comes knocking with force on your door? Do you go along for the trip or write it off as just another memory?

I decided to go along for the trip. Summer is upon us and I feel the need to do some of those old things I used to do. Water balloon fight might happen, a trip to a candy store might go down (I’m never too old for candy). A game of Horseshoes, Trip-o-ley, or Tonk definitely. No matter what, I want to expose my young people to the things that I grew up with. I don’t know how many more accurate memories are left in me.  My mind becomes mush after stress and meds. I have to fact check my memories more often now. I thank God my mom took a ton of pictures when I was a kid and that I did the same with my kids. I’m doing the same with my grandson as well.

I just hate that it’s so hard to hold onto some things. Is it a thing of age or is it the mental illness? These are the things I talk to my counselor about. Life just tossing out curveballs as it see fits and them landing on my noggin is par for the course I guess.

Somethings are solid – like the things I did years ago. Yesterday??? I can’t even tell you what I did or how. It happens like that quite a lot. My biggest fear is that the mental illness becomes a precursor to dementia or Alzheimer’s. It’s a very big fear that I struggle with so I do things like write, play Chess or board games  – things that help strengthen my mind. I journal a great deal to log my thoughts and how I feel from day to day. I pray over my mental health, keep my appointments with my psychiatrist and other doctors and take my meds religiously because falling into a set back hurts.

I struggle with feeling myself lately. Some days I’m good and can carry out the tasks I set for myself. Other days, I don’t even attempt it because those are the days where the will to live is relatively low.

I wish I had answers to all the questions I have or that there was someone who knew. It seems that some things even escape doctors. So what am I to do?

I do what I know how to do…Survive and some days that’s all I can ask for… survival.

Today isn’t horrible – the anxiety has lifted and I’m writing. I can breathe a little easier and that makes everything better. I’ve been kicking around writing another memoir and I don’t know that it will happen but there is definitely enough material to log now… with a more structured approach than I had with the first one. We’ll see.

I’m okay and I’m glad summer is here.

Have you ever had something trigger a memory? Care to share? Leave a comment, let’s talk. What has managed to trigger a good memory for you?

The Struggle is Real (PT. 2)The TRUTH

So, when I envisioned this blog, I talked about wanting to talk about the truth of the struggle we each have. I’m not sure that I truly understood the meaning or ramifications of the word ‘truth’. I know that it is a word that we toss around a lot but I don’t think I have ever really considered the word, not in any strong way.  I just used it as a synonym for fact. But, while it may be slightly true, that doesn’t really capture the word. Not in its entirety.

Fact: Until recently, I was homeless and have just recently gotten an apartment after almost 5 years of living on couches and streets. Truth: In my head, I’m still homeless. That’s just an example.

The fact is I’m not homeless. I’m sitting in my living room, writing this blog post with my cat, High King Margo, Destroyer of Worlds, laying ever so peacefully under one of the chairs taking a nap. But I’m still that homeless guy that slept on benches and bathrooms (when I needed to escape the weather) and sat at libraries or movie theaters to pass the time while I wasn’t at one of my jobs. And I sit here, my second month of being in a home, and I haven’t really done anything to make it a home.

Because I can’t shake the feeling that it’s temporary.

I haven’t filled my refrigerator because deep down, in parts that I don’t often visit, I’m afraid that it’ll all go to waste. Because somehow, I’ll screw everything up. Like I often do. I haven’t bought any real furniture. Just enough for me to get buy. No bed to lay my head on, just blankets on the floor or a comfy chair to lay back in. Now, if you ask me, I’ll say it’s because I don’t need the amenities. But the truth, the thing that is so hard to admit, is that I love sleeping in a bed. But if I get a bed, I can lose that bed.

Harder still to admit: that terrifies me.

That fear is paralyzing. It causes me to sit in the apartment with Margo as company. I say it is because I don’t really like people. I don’t. Not most people. But the truth is that I’m afraid to try and lose everything again.

That truth is at the root of many things. My depression, which on the surface looks like laziness but the fact is, I’m not a lazy person.  Apparently, I’m a scared little wuss.

Oh, how the truth does hurt.

But, I’ll let that be for today. Tomorrow, I won’t have time for fear. When the sun rises, I’ll get up. I’ll take my shower that I have not done in days, saying that soaks in the bathtub are just as good. I’ll give Margo a quick play and run out the door, leaving my fear in the back of my mind. And it won’t be courage that propels me out the doorway. No, it’ll actually be Margo. She doesn’t have time for my bullshit. She’s utterly dependent on me. And I have to wake up tomorrow to make sure she has cat food and a roof over her head.

Tomorrow is a new day.

The Struggle Is Real pt. 1


Who’s  there?

Norma Lee…

Norma Lee who?

Norma Lee I don’t knock on random doors, but I had to meet you! Hello world aaaand Welcome to The Struggle!  Yes, it’s real, even on WordPress.

The losing battle of Sisyphus… He is us, we are him.

How are you? You guys enjoy the weekend? No? Funds low? Had nowhere to go? Money spent and don’t know where it went? Been there. Thus the struggle… even in our time of Corona, we seek entertainment and peace and camaraderie and all things wellness… but are relegated to spending an evening alone on the sofa with Netflix or what have you… Not a bad time but it’s not watching your friends sing drunkenly to Bon Jovi’s, You Give Love A Bad Name either. Comedy is comedy and entertainment is… relative, I guess. 🤷‍♀️

If drunk karaoke was never your thing… then maybe bar hopping, bowling, or movie going is. Still these are things we have to be super careful about participating in …in the here and now. The struggle seems to have come knocking on our doors telling us it was our new room/house mate and to move over and make room for it. We just had and depending on where you live… have to deal.

Struggle thy name is Corona!

But we aren’t here to harp on Rona. Though she definitely embodies the struggle (Side bar- I feel like Rona might be a Gemini… she has various other forms with which to deal some damage…) we are here to talk about other variants of The Struggle…not Rona.

Where are my manners…. I’m just babbling away and haven’t introduced myself. My name is Tyronica Smith, I go by Ty, and I am just one of the fine minds behind this blog. You’ll meet others a little later but right now, you should know who is yapping on about all things struggle.

I am presently 45 years old and and have been in the midst of the struggle for 25 years now. Yep, I got the grey hair (a little) and stretch marks (a lot) to prove it. It is so deeply engrained in my life that it is a part of my fabric. Struggles the  Kitty knows that I love a good cup of coffee but not necessarily from the ‘bucks’. I have a secret source from which my coffee arrives and I will not give them up no matter how much chocolate you offer! Nope!

*Update* I have to give up coffee… well the caffeinated stuff. I’ve been told by my doctor to let it go and go to decaf. The struggle just gets deeper and deeper and apparently can be anything from medical to that of relationships.

I am a mother of two lovely tributes to society. They are 25 and 20. The eldest is male and he and his sister give me reason to love life and on some days I ask life…”Wtf, man?”. It gets hard at times but we make do. Single parenting is a struggle all on it’s own and is definitely a learning experience. I was freed from the bonds of holy matrimony in 2013…and dating after divorce will have to be post by itself. Oh yeah…  we’re gonna talk about it and other things that give me gray hair at later dates.

I am an author all day every day – that is my profession. I claim these things because that is what I do. I write novels, blog posts, non-fiction, short stories, fiction, and poetry. I have been published in four anthologies and one online magazine. I make it a point to post my stories, poems, and other works to my personal blog regularly at Bloggish, where I talk about my life as a schizophrenic who also deals with mental illnesses and the peculiar relationship I have with God. Juggling mental illnesses and your personal beliefs is indeed a struggle that doesn’t get talked about enough so we’ll touch on that at a later time as well.

I am a functional mess and am very aware of everything and everyone. I am able to speak my mind, feel what I feel, and help others in the process. Life has taught me to look outside of myself and see others as I would want them to see me. To treat others as I would have them treat me. And to extend a hand where I can.

There is beauty… I’m told…in the struggle. With 25 years of this under my belt I feel like I’ve scratched at the surface but have yet to be wowed by this beauty people speak so fondly of. So with this blog, my friend Greg and I hope to find more of it and to see it in its full capacity. I feel as though, it’s something that eludes me on a daily basis. Like it’s there but I’m blinded to it… maybe it’s a faith thing. Have to believe it’s there in order to experience it fully? Or maybe it’s a tangible thing escaping my grasp? Maybe it’s just as plain as the nose on my face. Hmmm… we’ll see.

Today, however, we are here to find out what the struggle looks like.

What does the Struggle look like to you? To me, it looks like my poinsettia left over from Christmas – it’s all but checked out here in the beginning of April but is trying it’s best to hold on.

Meet Hugo… Hugo was this huge-mungous plant when we first got him and he was big and beautiful and very red and a little itchy to me… I wonder if that’s cause I was a lil allergic. Hmm…anyway, he has certainly seen better days and he became my personal mascot for my own personal struggle.

Frail Hugo
Hugo has certainly seen better days

But to have seen Hugo in his youth way back in December… You don’t believe that poor thing ever looked beautiful? Ah…  let me show you…

Big Hugo
Hugo is on the left in the silver foil.

This was near the beginning of December. Such a beauty…but now he is a living moral. Nothing lasts forever – even beauty fades. It has been mentioned several times over that I should let Hugo go as he is on his last leaves, anything else would just be cruelty.

Yeah… It’s not a hard decision. I’m no monster and I’m glad plants can’t talk. The things they’d say, the secrets they’d spill! It’s all fun and games until your plant is giggling in the corner at the things they’ve heard you say or mention about someone else, while they are in the room! They say you’re supposed to talk to plants but I don’t know man… one day that’s gonna trip us up. Someone will create a device that will give voice to plants and animals and we’ll all be up a creek.

Enough of my nonsense – it’s April and I am in the midst of Lenten season and I’m feeling one struggle in particular. I have decided to fast until Easter and  I’m in trouble. I wanted to give up sweets and profanity and sex and caffeine and pretty much everything that is good, feels good, or seems good. I’m in trouble because I can feel myself wanting to bend the rules of the agreement I made up in my  mind. But that is the way… that is always the way.

I don’t know how I got through this before but this year in particular has been ridiculous and. I’m also very hard on myself when it comes to these things. I want to succeed at this, I’m not doing it just for the denial of things but for clarity and closeness to my God.

I am without a support system this year. Usually, my church has a study group or support group for those of us that are fasting but since we are online this year, it’s really hard to get people together. So… that also makes this more difficult to get through. But  I won’t harp on this much longer. I just wanted to share a bit about this particular struggle.

It’s the things we do to ourselves in the hopes of becoming better humans that is a struggle. The things we hope to achieve when we are nowhere near the goal that is a struggle. And the judgement and negativity we face… not from others but from ourselves that is the struggle.

Your biggest adversary and only enemy you will ever have is the one you contend with in the mirror. It took me a long time to come to grips with this bit of truth. I my life easier now? Hell No! 😂 I’m finding that it’s… umm…a process. Knowing a thing and knowing what to do about a thing are two totally different things. But with the help of therapy, I’m well on my way to dealing with myself. LOL

It sounds crazy right? But it’s  true – we keep ourselves from doing the things we want and need to do. One of my favorite actors once said – “Everything you want is on the other side of fear.” And who is responsible for fear and how we react to it?? US!

The struggle is real, my friends.

We’ll talk more later but until then… I am signing off.

The next person you’ll hear from is the author G. Dean Manuel… or Greg, as you will come to know him on the 2nd part of The Struggle Is Real.

So… I’ll see you soon! Oh and hey, just because I’m writing here as well doesn’t mean I’m releasing you from the duties….you know the drill peeps!

Be good humans! ❤

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