Sex after 30?? 🤦‍♀️ PT. 1

You know… here in my 40 something *cough cough* breathless wheezing* cough cough* clears throat and hits inhaler* year…(I’m okay just back up and give me room to breathe)..I realize that I…. am not the spring chicken I used to be. I’m more like that old hen that pecks at the younger birds and runs them away when they get too close to her space in the yard. Yeah – get tf off my lawn! I’d laugh but I’d just go into another coughing fit and I’m trying to remain conscious for the time being. 

Anyway – look, I’ve been hearing a lot of talk about sex after 30 by late 20 somethings and early 30 year olds… This is crap. For one because they have barely broken the gauge of 30 and two – because they are still on some very young minded shit. I listened to said young person(s) talk about leg cramps during sex and rolled my eyes so hard they nearly fell out my skull. You haven’t lived long enough to experience the leg cramp that shoots up your leg and literally vice grips your butt cheek into submission. You’ve not lived until you have depleted all of your body’s natural resources from a FEW bouts of vigorous sex and had to explain why your body just isn’t cooperating with the orgasm you NEED to have for total relief. Men shooting dust instead of little troopers and women barely releasing the flood of all that is good and sweet and are down to a piddly trickle.

You don’t know pain until there’s just enough friction between the two of you to strike a match because the well has dried up. Did you hit a nerve with all of this? Absolutely. So now I get to fuss and teach as is my want… but not without a little ranting.

Man… First of all…. I don’t want to offend you but… you are as much a baby as I am to 80 year olds! Right here and right now we’re going to stop acting like we are those babies and be the grown folk we need to be. So stop it, just stop it! Leg cramps??? Really? That’s what’s fucking up your sex life??? LEG CRAMPS?! Fuck outta here….

stare-sam-jackson

Let me tell you something, no no… sit down, shut up, and listen… because you are fullllllllllllll of shit and you need to hear what awaits you in the near future, assuming the sun doesn’t kill us all first… you aren’t about to just sit there and complain about some shit you can fix yourselves. So sit there and listen.

As your elder… I feel the need to tell you that you haven’t been paying attention to the signs, the lover you have, your body, or the things around you. Sex is simple, paying attention even simpler. 

We’re going to get you right today!

will-smith-finger-point

 

Everything around you is telling you how to do it and what to do. It’s in the music, the TV shows and movies you watch, the books you read, and even the air you breathe. To say that humans and animals are sexual beings is an understatement. Birds do it, bees do it – even plants and trees…well, you get it – we are all sexual beings. Music, the right music, can give you pointers in the right direction. 

But fuck music right now. Your partner is the best teacher for what you want accomplish. Endgame here is to give your partner an orgasm strong enough that each of their variants throughout the multiverse feels it and comes at that same exact moment! Has this ever happened to anyone in the history of man? Yes, once when I was 23. Every bit of me felt it (all of us everywhere at the same damn time reacted in the same way). When I came to, I high fived the guy, made him eggs, and read him a story I wrote to put him to sleep for the afternoon. Oh, it was the best noon day delight EVER! Yes – sex before dark is awesome… we’ll come back to this.

I’m all over the place… Let’s tackle this issue by issue. I’m only doing this because I recognize and feel the need to teach …otherwise, I’d leave you to find out the hard way, which is quite brutal. So we’ll avoid the awkward Instagram posts and weird Tik-Toks detailing the pain you feel in your love life. It doesn’t have to be that way. Seriously! Just pay attention…

Here’s why your sex life sucks. LOL

-You Don’t Stretch

Okay okay, I’ll admit, leg cramps CAN happen during a bout of Kama Sutra or bedroom gym-nastycs because like with any exercise regimen on any given day, we choose to skip the stretching before we begin. And I’m serious. Those of you who wanna flip them upside down and reverse cowgirl, with a spin and rolling tumble then you’re gonna need to stretch. It’s that simple. Work your arms and legs, work your glutes and hams, and try core strengthening. I’m out of shape but I swear by all of these things because I did them when I was younger. The bedroom Olympics stayed a fun and fulfilling activity every time it happened. Now, I’ll admit it – the first time I did this before sex (it wasn’t love making but a more animalistic activity) it made my partner laugh and he decided to stretch as well. “Oh, you’re about to put in some work?” is what made me smile. Because I did. I will still stretch because I like being flexible.

A few things that might help with cramping along with stretching…

Avocados – are rich with electrolytes can help prevent muscle cramps

Bananas – are full of potassium which helps to ease leg cramps

Water – being dehydrated is a good and quick way to experience muscle cramps so drink plenty of water, as a matter of fact, keep some on the bed side table – this is a good practice!

You want to more?? Google is your friend, a simple search will do you good.

Next…

-You Don’t Listen

Make time to take time. Listen to your partner when they tell you what it is they like and dislike. It’s not all about you and as much as we think we know everything about everyone – we don’t. More often than not, we are assuming we know because all body parts are the same, right? You’re wrong. These things vary from person to person. Men can be human cannons, dribblers, or fountains. Women can be squirt guns, gushers, or the delectable cream that tops your banana or taco, whatever your preference may be. Get it together! We are not all the same.

Doing things you used to do with former lovers with new lovers and then saying… well such and such liked it when I did that… Is not only an asshole move but is also a sure fire way to get you kicked out of the bedroom and possibly sent packing. We don’t care what Susie liked! We aren’t Susie! Tailor your skills to your current partner. I promise you, it’s the best thing ever. Susie liked it because it was for her and she might have been less experienced than say Jenny who has been around the block a time or two. Also, listen to your body! Which brings us to our next issue…

-Know Your Limits

How do I say this… umm… you are not a superhuman capable of superhuman strength and stamina. Sure, some of you might be faster than a speeding locomotive – you little jack rabbit you, slow down. It’s not a race unless of course… your partner likes the jackhammer method. Then go for it, I guess. Lol

Being human is your reality. Shit will hurt when you’re done doing the deed. Your body will speak to you in plain English and you will interpret it as a completely different dialect altogether…why? Because you refuse to listen. Remember what I said – sex is simple.

When your body is screaming for rest, take a break. Of course we all want to live up to the hype of hours and hours of pleasure non-stop. We all do! But no one and I mean NO ONE makes love all night in one session. Sure there are multiple sessions but a single session lasting for hours is either a sign of priapism or distractions (meaning …you aren’t in the moment or focused on your partner). Don’t get me wrong, I know things like Viagra and Cialis exist but they won’t turn you into a love machine able to keep pumping and dumping until you’re kicking out dust. The human body varies from person to person yes, but being a HUMAN means we have limitations. Know the extent of your body’s limits and work with or around them. A healthy libido and foreplay can prolong the time your spend pleasuring your partner. If you are able to stay focused on the task at hand and remain realistic with what your body is capable of and can handle – then sex will be all the more enjoyable.

Now… to those of you operating in your weaknesses rather than your strengths I give a strong eye roll. What the fuck are you doing? Like… I get that you’re trying to spice things up with different positions and shit… fun is fun but not at the expense of bodily injury. Guys, I’m looking at you… If you can’t lift a wet a paper bag – please do not attempt to lift your partner or flip them upside down or any other thing that might cause injury. Neck braces are not sexy and hospitals definitely aren’t it. Know your weaknesses. This is where you learn a popular I.T. skill called a “work around”… not reach around that’s different, Google if you need to.

A sexual work around is modifying a position to an existing style of love-making. You can’t lift your partner? Well then, laydown and do the same thing… you scared of suffocating beneath your voluminous voluptuous vixen, ask to be on top or lay on your side… use the floor, the wall, a chair, or the stairs …hell even a balcony… just don’t cause them injury.

Speaking of limitations, we all have them along with breaking points… nothing will kill a boner or dry up a flowing river faster than an insecure partner asking a bunch of questions during and after the act. Leave the questionnaire and quiz for date night not the play room. Checking on how you’re doing every 10 minutes will get you put out instead of getting them to put out. Confidence is key! Nothing is sexier than a partner that knows what they’re doing and how to do it. Cockiness is sexy when you can back it up and have proper proof, documentation, and verification of the goods. The goods being bedroom skills. Hey, sometimes … references are required. Lol

-Learn Something

Sure you’ve been around the block a few times but you haven’t learned anything. You still doing those same old stale ass moves?? Pay attention! Sex is all around you. It’s on TV, there’s an entire industry dedicated to it along with workers to that industry. It’s in books, music, and even nature. We have the technology for you to learn… it’s called the INTERNET… surf responsibly. There is no way you can blame your inability to please on not knowing when all have to do is pay attention to all that is around you.

I made mention to porn up there ^^^. Let’s discuss this. Porn will either make or break your sex life. Too much might distort the reality of your relationship and not only how you view your partner but the sexes as a whole. No one wants to be reduced to being a plaything. We should not be viewed in the same likeness as that stiff sock hidden between your mattresses or your exhausted overworked under-appreciated battery operated boyfriend hiding in your nightstand drawer. We are whole people with complex lives. More than our bodies and what they can be used for. Be respectful to your partner and to yourself.

Now, on the flip side of that same coin, porn can be a very useful learning tool. I mentioned how too much porn could be a bad thing. Well, too little might leave you looking like a novice. Use this tool to learn what to do, how to do it, and tailor it to your own needs. By all means, research the things you like and want to do. Most do! But all things in moderation.

Please be careful! Porn is addictive, like sex can be. Viewing the wrong things can turn you off of sex altogether or reshape your sex life in a very unhealthy way. I’m not making this shit up either. People have seen their relationships destroyed due to porn and poor attitudes towards the opposite sex. And I say this of both sexes. Women and men have some pretty messed up ideologies about each other. Again…respect each other as well as yourselves.

-Apply What You Learned

Apply everything you learned to your sex life – but not all at once, that would be really weird. Leave them wanting to come back for more. Remain unpredictable and use your imagination in your playtime with your partner. If they want a night of Tarzan and Jane in the wilds of their wooded backyard or my personal favorite… naughty school girl and horny teacher – do it! Indulge them. Be open to every possibility. As long as you what?? Do No Harm!

I mentioned sex before dark a little bit earlier. By all means try this, with willing participants. I shouldn’t have had to state that but I’m covering my ass as well as all the bases. Okay?? Alright. No foul play and no forced interactions. Got it? Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…

Sex in the morning or early part of the day could be the fire you need to reignite your love life – it doesn’t have to always be a nocturnal activity. Picture it! It’s early afternoon and the sun is spilling in through the window in long shafts across your partner’s naked body. And you’re able to see every hill and valley with perfect clarity, every curvature and peak with stunning accuracy. The light just seems to set their body all aglow and it has you licking your lips and ready to dive into all that deliciousness. So what are you having? A brief quickie before you have to return to work or head to campus for your classes to finish what you began later? Or a nice long slow burn of hot pure unadulterated blush inducing coitus, leaving your neighbors across the way spying through your window with dry mouths and wet sticky pants?

The choice is yours. Make it a good one. And be sure to tell me about it later. Kiss and tell!

-Enjoy Yourself

Switch it up! If you are the dominant partner most times or take the lead, let your partner do so and you sit back and not only watch them work, but learn what they like. This is where you’re learning begins. Allow them to teach you in this way and take mental note of what they are saying (if they are talkers or moaners) and what they are doing (because actions speak louder than words).

A change of scenery can make all the difference as well. Who doesn’t like the excitement of christening a new place or being adventurous in public spaces (legally of course, don’t get caught for indecent exposure). PDA?? You into that? Let it feed your appetite for your partner. You not into it – then talk to them sweetly. Send flirtatious text messages and emails. Drop a voice mail and let them know that you are thinking about them. I promise you this will get the juices flowing. I’m telling you – it doesn’t take much. Lol

Shop till you drop! Go shopping for the frilly things you like to peel off your partner. Buy them some matching undies or negligees if that’s your thing. OR harnesses, chains and whips, or the Terminator XXX3000 that is sure to punish as well as pleasure (I completely made up that name for the vibrator I found on Amazon… like OMG… it vibrates, pulses, and pistons…where the hell has this been all my life!) – do whatever your freaky little heart’s desire. Do it with them. The point is, this is a couple’s activity, and one you should definitely give a try.

This post was split up into two parts for your reading pleasure and the second part is a little deeper. Remember, school is in session and here’s your chance for an intermission. Lol

the struggle is real.

To Be Continued…

 

Some Truth and a Birthday

June 2nd was my birthday and the days leading up to it where scary and hectic and anxiety ridden due to overthought and undermining. Who was undermining me, you ask??

Me. Of course.

In April it began. In the middle of First Watch I had an anxiety attack. Now I should state, I have bouts with anxiety but it had been like close to two years since I had a full blown anxiety attack – complete with shortness of breath, heart palpitations, that weird feeling of drowning and dread, and lightheadedness.

I honestly thought it was due to a new med I was taking. NOPE. I stopped the med because I figured it to be the culprit. The weeks following it happened again and again and again… and silly me was like – it’s the caffeine! The coffee is making me feel like this.. so I cut down my coffee. Then it happened a few more times after. Fine, no soda. But was that enough to appease my body? Nooooooooooo. The weeks leading up to my bornday, I had at least three attacks and that’s when I began to fear the worst.

I thought…  these are heart attacks – I’m going to die and there won’t be a birthday. I’m going to die a young 40 something *cough cough cough* woman and my kids will be left to fend for themselves in this cruel unforgiving world. I AM GOING TO DIE.

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And that’s the thought I focused on. I focused on it so much that the attacks felt like something heart related. I was losing my shit in the car on the way home from the grocery store and that’s when I put two and two together.

I fear death… like not necessarily growing old but the product of growing old. And then…  you guessed it – anxiety attack – in the car on the road going home. As I was praying to be able to live to see my birthday – it struck! Thank GOD my mother was with me. She drove us home and right as we pulled up to the house another wave rolled over and through me. A strong one too… so strong that I almost passed out.

So I was like – nah man…. this is heart related. I called my favorite nurse, then put in a call to my doctor. They said the same – it was anxiety but I do have an appointment to meet with my doctor soon. We’re going to rule out everything else.

On my birthday, an attack happened…anxiety related but I had to breathe through it. I focused my thoughts on the things I love the most, I thought of peaceful things, things that make me happy, and the things that matter most to me and I wouldn’t let my mind drift any further than that. I stretched- then got on with the celebration. Quick meditation session and it actually helped a whole hell of a lot more than me giving in to the freak out.

It’s been warm here and our sun room is half finished so I’ve been taking to sitting out there, taking in the smell of rough wood, to thaw from the arctic temperatures of the house. I joked that I am very much a tropical person. I love summer and will deal with the season accordingly – fruity alcoholic beverage, an umbrella, and sunglasses. It’s practice for when I do visit a Bahama resort or one of the Saint somethings out there beyond the sea. Not quite ready yet but – the day is coming.

So aging… amirite??? I know people don’t really like to think about things beyond them..as in the world without them. It’s some scary shit for some of us. But I have decided as of June 2nd, not to fear the life I’m living but to love it in whole. And since embracing that – there have been no anxiety attacks on this… now… day three of living without fear. Anytime fear arises in my heart of hearts, I meditate or pray and the act of taking myself out of the current state of distress and placing myself into a more peaceful one helps me more than I can say here.

It’s like .. well I don’t know if it’s slight of hand for me – making myself see, feel, do while my body is trying to do something else. Focus here instead of there… type of thing. And the body believes the lie that everything is going to be okay and all I have to do, is ensure that it will be.

Here is the land of adulthood where things have a likelihood of sucking far more than not… we’ve discovered being unashamed of ourselves. I mean, if freaking out in a popular and crowded restaurant isn’t enough to cure you of embarrassment – nothing will. Lol

And I’m not alone – I’ve been talking with a few friends about it and they have had similar experiences. There are those that believe this to be a sign of weakness and rather than say how wrong they are – I just – I really don’t know if they’ve ever experienced this. Some believe a thing to be non-existent if they themselves have not experienced said thing.

I don’t wish it on them. I’d love for them never to have experienced it. May their lives continue without the complications of overthinking and the resulting anxiety that can sometimes accompany it. I’d rather their lives be easy and stay that course. Truly, I wish that for them.

Here at middle agedness, I’ve remarked every year since 30 (that’s when I noticed it) around my birthday that my body does some new weird shit. It hasn’t failed. I’m saving up for an adamantium skeleton and regenerative organs, just so this aging shit can go a little smoothly. Lol, I will gladly become Lady Deathstrike. Hmmm….Maybe not…does having such power make one…unstable? I know for a fact I would not wield that power responsibly. Truth.

This is life. I can only live it the only way I can – with lots of Grace and Mercy because left to me ..lol ahhhh I hate to admit it – but I am a caboose on the Hot Mess Express. I’m getting better. Forcibly so. I’m not out of order mind you – just, I breakdown from time to time. Management has been notified and they are working diligently on fixing the problem (me).

This is just one of my dumb struggles that became a serious concern for me lately. I’ve managed to unlock a new world, with a new skin, and a new character with – new chapter. Sadly, there are no new weapons or artillery… just self-deprecation, horrible jokes, and the things that rest to the right of me… a glass of water and my chair massager???

I’m DOOMED.  Maybe I can strap the bad guy to my gaming chair, recite horribly bad jokes and insult myself at the same time… that’s sure to make them ill enough to want to drink water, right? My brain suggests something else but we won’t discuss that, but it does involve the forcible use of…. comedy.

Anyway – Summer is here. Enjoy every bit of sunshine you can…and please…please…please…

Be good humas…. humus???? HUmans!

The Struggle is Real (PT. 2)The TRUTH

So, when I envisioned this blog, I talked about wanting to talk about the truth of the struggle we each have. I’m not sure that I truly understood the meaning or ramifications of the word ‘truth’. I know that it is a word that we toss around a lot but I don’t think I have ever really considered the word, not in any strong way.  I just used it as a synonym for fact. But, while it may be slightly true, that doesn’t really capture the word. Not in its entirety.

Fact: Until recently, I was homeless and have just recently gotten an apartment after almost 5 years of living on couches and streets. Truth: In my head, I’m still homeless. That’s just an example.

The fact is I’m not homeless. I’m sitting in my living room, writing this blog post with my cat, High King Margo, Destroyer of Worlds, laying ever so peacefully under one of the chairs taking a nap. But I’m still that homeless guy that slept on benches and bathrooms (when I needed to escape the weather) and sat at libraries or movie theaters to pass the time while I wasn’t at one of my jobs. And I sit here, my second month of being in a home, and I haven’t really done anything to make it a home.

Because I can’t shake the feeling that it’s temporary.

I haven’t filled my refrigerator because deep down, in parts that I don’t often visit, I’m afraid that it’ll all go to waste. Because somehow, I’ll screw everything up. Like I often do. I haven’t bought any real furniture. Just enough for me to get buy. No bed to lay my head on, just blankets on the floor or a comfy chair to lay back in. Now, if you ask me, I’ll say it’s because I don’t need the amenities. But the truth, the thing that is so hard to admit, is that I love sleeping in a bed. But if I get a bed, I can lose that bed.

Harder still to admit: that terrifies me.

That fear is paralyzing. It causes me to sit in the apartment with Margo as company. I say it is because I don’t really like people. I don’t. Not most people. But the truth is that I’m afraid to try and lose everything again.

That truth is at the root of many things. My depression, which on the surface looks like laziness but the fact is, I’m not a lazy person.  Apparently, I’m a scared little wuss.

Oh, how the truth does hurt.

But, I’ll let that be for today. Tomorrow, I won’t have time for fear. When the sun rises, I’ll get up. I’ll take my shower that I have not done in days, saying that soaks in the bathtub are just as good. I’ll give Margo a quick play and run out the door, leaving my fear in the back of my mind. And it won’t be courage that propels me out the doorway. No, it’ll actually be Margo. She doesn’t have time for my bullshit. She’s utterly dependent on me. And I have to wake up tomorrow to make sure she has cat food and a roof over her head.

Tomorrow is a new day.

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