You know… here in my 40 something *cough cough* breathless wheezing* cough cough* clears throat and hits inhaler* year…(I’m okay just back up and give me room to breathe)..I realize that I…. am not the spring chicken I used to be. I’m more like that old hen that pecks at the younger birds and runs them away when they get too close to her space in the yard. Yeah – get tf off my lawn! I’d laugh but I’d just go into another coughing fit and I’m trying to remain conscious for the time being.
Anyway – look, I’ve been hearing a lot of talk about sex after 30 by late 20 somethings and early 30 year olds… This is crap. For one because they have barely broken the gauge of 30 and two – because they are still on some very young minded shit. I listened to said young person(s) talk about leg cramps during sex and rolled my eyes so hard they nearly fell out my skull. You haven’t lived long enough to experience the leg cramp that shoots up your leg and literally vice grips your butt cheek into submission. You’ve not lived until you have depleted all of your body’s natural resources from a FEW bouts of vigorous sex and had to explain why your body just isn’t cooperating with the orgasm you NEED to have for total relief. Men shooting dust instead of little troopers and women barely releasing the flood of all that is good and sweet and are down to a piddly trickle.
You don’t know pain until there’s just enough friction between the two of you to strike a match because the well has dried up. Did you hit a nerve with all of this? Absolutely. So now I get to fuss and teach as is my want… but not without a little ranting.
Man… First of all…. I don’t want to offend you but… you are as much a baby as I am to 80 year olds! Right here and right now we’re going to stop acting like we are those babies and be the grown folk we need to be. So stop it, just stop it! Leg cramps??? Really? That’s what’s fucking up your sex life??? LEG CRAMPS?! Fuck outta here….
Let me tell you something, no no… sit down, shut up, and listen… because you are fullllllllllllll of shit and you need to hear what awaits you in the near future, assuming the sun doesn’t kill us all first… you aren’t about to just sit there and complain about some shit you can fix yourselves. So sit there and listen.
As your elder… I feel the need to tell you that you haven’t been paying attention to the signs, the lover you have, your body, or the things around you. Sex is simple, paying attention even simpler.
We’re going to get you right today!
Everything around you is telling you how to do it and what to do. It’s in the music, the TV shows and movies you watch, the books you read, and even the air you breathe. To say that humans and animals are sexual beings is an understatement. Birds do it, bees do it – even plants and trees…well, you get it – we are all sexual beings. Music, the right music, can give you pointers in the right direction.
But fuck music right now. Your partner is the best teacher for what you want accomplish. Endgame here is to give your partner an orgasm strong enough that each of their variants throughout the multiverse feels it and comes at that same exact moment! Has this ever happened to anyone in the history of man? Yes, once when I was 23. Every bit of me felt it (all of us everywhere at the same damn time reacted in the same way). When I came to, I high fived the guy, made him eggs, and read him a story I wrote to put him to sleep for the afternoon. Oh, it was the best noon day delight EVER! Yes – sex before dark is awesome… we’ll come back to this.
I’m all over the place… Let’s tackle this issue by issue. I’m only doing this because I recognize and feel the need to teach …otherwise, I’d leave you to find out the hard way, which is quite brutal. So we’ll avoid the awkward Instagram posts and weird Tik-Toks detailing the pain you feel in your love life. It doesn’t have to be that way. Seriously! Just pay attention…
Here’s why your sex life sucks. LOL
-You Don’t Stretch
Okay okay, I’ll admit, leg cramps CAN happen during a bout of Kama Sutra or bedroom gym-nastycs because like with any exercise regimen on any given day, we choose to skip the stretching before we begin. And I’m serious. Those of you who wanna flip them upside down and reverse cowgirl, with a spin and rolling tumble then you’re gonna need to stretch. It’s that simple. Work your arms and legs, work your glutes and hams, and try core strengthening. I’m out of shape but I swear by all of these things because I did them when I was younger. The bedroom Olympics stayed a fun and fulfilling activity every time it happened. Now, I’ll admit it – the first time I did this before sex (it wasn’t love making but a more animalistic activity) it made my partner laugh and he decided to stretch as well. “Oh, you’re about to put in some work?” is what made me smile. Because I did. I will still stretch because I like being flexible.
A few things that might help with cramping along with stretching…
Avocados – are rich with electrolytes can help prevent muscle cramps
Bananas – are full of potassium which helps to ease leg cramps
Water – being dehydrated is a good and quick way to experience muscle cramps so drink plenty of water, as a matter of fact, keep some on the bed side table – this is a good practice!
You want to more?? Google is your friend, a simple search will do you good.
-You Don’t Listen
Make time to take time. Listen to your partner when they tell you what it is they like and dislike. It’s not all about you and as much as we think we know everything about everyone – we don’t. More often than not, we are assuming we know because all body parts are the same, right? You’re wrong. These things vary from person to person. Men can be human cannons, dribblers, or fountains. Women can be squirt guns, gushers, or the delectable cream that tops your banana or taco, whatever your preference may be. Get it together! We are not all the same.
Doing things you used to do with former lovers with new lovers and then saying… well such and such liked it when I did that… Is not only an asshole move but is also a sure fire way to get you kicked out of the bedroom and possibly sent packing. We don’t care what Susie liked! We aren’t Susie! Tailor your skills to your current partner. I promise you, it’s the best thing ever. Susie liked it because it was for her and she might have been less experienced than say Jenny who has been around the block a time or two. Also, listen to your body! Which brings us to our next issue…
-Know Your Limits
How do I say this… umm… you are not a superhuman capable of superhuman strength and stamina. Sure, some of you might be faster than a speeding locomotive – you little jack rabbit you, slow down. It’s not a race unless of course… your partner likes the jackhammer method. Then go for it, I guess. Lol
Being human is your reality. Shit will hurt when you’re done doing the deed. Your body will speak to you in plain English and you will interpret it as a completely different dialect altogether…why? Because you refuse to listen. Remember what I said – sex is simple.
When your body is screaming for rest, take a break. Of course we all want to live up to the hype of hours and hours of pleasure non-stop. We all do! But no one and I mean NO ONE makes love all night in one session. Sure there are multiple sessions but a single session lasting for hours is either a sign of priapism or distractions (meaning …you aren’t in the moment or focused on your partner). Don’t get me wrong, I know things like Viagra and Cialis exist but they won’t turn you into a love machine able to keep pumping and dumping until you’re kicking out dust. The human body varies from person to person yes, but being a HUMAN means we have limitations. Know the extent of your body’s limits and work with or around them. A healthy libido and foreplay can prolong the time your spend pleasuring your partner. If you are able to stay focused on the task at hand and remain realistic with what your body is capable of and can handle – then sex will be all the more enjoyable.
Now… to those of you operating in your weaknesses rather than your strengths I give a strong eye roll. What the fuck are you doing? Like… I get that you’re trying to spice things up with different positions and shit… fun is fun but not at the expense of bodily injury. Guys, I’m looking at you… If you can’t lift a wet a paper bag – please do not attempt to lift your partner or flip them upside down or any other thing that might cause injury. Neck braces are not sexy and hospitals definitely aren’t it. Know your weaknesses. This is where you learn a popular I.T. skill called a “work around”… not reach around that’s different, Google if you need to.
A sexual work around is modifying a position to an existing style of love-making. You can’t lift your partner? Well then, laydown and do the same thing… you scared of suffocating beneath your voluminous voluptuous vixen, ask to be on top or lay on your side… use the floor, the wall, a chair, or the stairs …hell even a balcony… just don’t cause them injury.
Speaking of limitations, we all have them along with breaking points… nothing will kill a boner or dry up a flowing river faster than an insecure partner asking a bunch of questions during and after the act. Leave the questionnaire and quiz for date night not the play room. Checking on how you’re doing every 10 minutes will get you put out instead of getting them to put out. Confidence is key! Nothing is sexier than a partner that knows what they’re doing and how to do it. Cockiness is sexy when you can back it up and have proper proof, documentation, and verification of the goods. The goods being bedroom skills. Hey, sometimes … references are required. Lol
Sure you’ve been around the block a few times but you haven’t learned anything. You still doing those same old stale ass moves?? Pay attention! Sex is all around you. It’s on TV, there’s an entire industry dedicated to it along with workers to that industry. It’s in books, music, and even nature. We have the technology for you to learn… it’s called the INTERNET… surf responsibly. There is no way you can blame your inability to please on not knowing when all have to do is pay attention to all that is around you.
I made mention to porn up there ^^^. Let’s discuss this. Porn will either make or break your sex life. Too much might distort the reality of your relationship and not only how you view your partner but the sexes as a whole. No one wants to be reduced to being a plaything. We should not be viewed in the same likeness as that stiff sock hidden between your mattresses or your exhausted overworked under-appreciated battery operated boyfriend hiding in your nightstand drawer. We are whole people with complex lives. More than our bodies and what they can be used for. Be respectful to your partner and to yourself.
Now, on the flip side of that same coin, porn can be a very useful learning tool. I mentioned how too much porn could be a bad thing. Well, too little might leave you looking like a novice. Use this tool to learn what to do, how to do it, and tailor it to your own needs. By all means, research the things you like and want to do. Most do! But all things in moderation.
Please be careful! Porn is addictive, like sex can be. Viewing the wrong things can turn you off of sex altogether or reshape your sex life in a very unhealthy way. I’m not making this shit up either. People have seen their relationships destroyed due to porn and poor attitudes towards the opposite sex. And I say this of both sexes. Women and men have some pretty messed up ideologies about each other. Again…respect each other as well as yourselves.
-Apply What You Learned
Apply everything you learned to your sex life – but not all at once, that would be really weird. Leave them wanting to come back for more. Remain unpredictable and use your imagination in your playtime with your partner. If they want a night of Tarzan and Jane in the wilds of their wooded backyard or my personal favorite… naughty school girl and horny teacher – do it! Indulge them. Be open to every possibility. As long as you what?? Do No Harm!
I mentioned sex before dark a little bit earlier. By all means try this, with willing participants. I shouldn’t have had to state that but I’m covering my ass as well as all the bases. Okay?? Alright. No foul play and no forced interactions. Got it? Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way…
Sex in the morning or early part of the day could be the fire you need to reignite your love life – it doesn’t have to always be a nocturnal activity. Picture it! It’s early afternoon and the sun is spilling in through the window in long shafts across your partner’s naked body. And you’re able to see every hill and valley with perfect clarity, every curvature and peak with stunning accuracy. The light just seems to set their body all aglow and it has you licking your lips and ready to dive into all that deliciousness. So what are you having? A brief quickie before you have to return to work or head to campus for your classes to finish what you began later? Or a nice long slow burn of hot pure unadulterated blush inducing coitus, leaving your neighbors across the way spying through your window with dry mouths and wet sticky pants?
The choice is yours. Make it a good one. And be sure to tell me about it later. Kiss and tell!
Switch it up! If you are the dominant partner most times or take the lead, let your partner do so and you sit back and not only watch them work, but learn what they like. This is where you’re learning begins. Allow them to teach you in this way and take mental note of what they are saying (if they are talkers or moaners) and what they are doing (because actions speak louder than words).
A change of scenery can make all the difference as well. Who doesn’t like the excitement of christening a new place or being adventurous in public spaces (legally of course, don’t get caught for indecent exposure). PDA?? You into that? Let it feed your appetite for your partner. You not into it – then talk to them sweetly. Send flirtatious text messages and emails. Drop a voice mail and let them know that you are thinking about them. I promise you this will get the juices flowing. I’m telling you – it doesn’t take much. Lol
Shop till you drop! Go shopping for the frilly things you like to peel off your partner. Buy them some matching undies or negligees if that’s your thing. OR harnesses, chains and whips, or the Terminator XXX3000 that is sure to punish as well as pleasure (I completely made up that name for the vibrator I found on Amazon… like OMG… it vibrates, pulses, and pistons…where the hell has this been all my life!) – do whatever your freaky little heart’s desire. Do it with them. The point is, this is a couple’s activity, and one you should definitely give a try.
This post was split up into two parts for your reading pleasure and the second part is a little deeper. Remember, school is in session and here’s your chance for an intermission. Lol
the struggle is real.
To Be Continued…